Give Us This Day

One of the greatest prayers ever taught goes back two thousand years and contains a simple point that helps me focus on living in the now: “Give us this day our daily bread.”

For 5 years, Infertility took away my ability to enjoy life. I became so remorseful of the past and so fearful of the future that I was constantly terrorized by the thought of what another day might bring. Then, in that single sentence from the Bible, I found a whole new concept for living. When I live in the day, I’m freed from that life of fear and torment.

I can’t expect to have my needs guaranteed for the next week or month or year. All I really need is what I need for today. That is why I must strive to live my life that way—one day at a time.

I have come to understand that today is the only time I have. There is no guarantee of tomorrow; and yesterday, with all its mistakes and sorrows, is gone forever. Today, this present moment, is precious.

Even though I know this now, I can still waste my day by reliving the past or worrying about the future.

The effect Infertility had on me was that I took myself and my sordid circumstances very seriously, often to the point that I lost contact with reality. There was no joy or humor or real satisfaction in what I did. Everything around me became grim and dark.

Today, positive signs of spiritual rebirth are showing in my life. Each day I gain more spiritual energy and zest for living. I find joy in others and myself. I have rediscovered the pleasure of laughter. The excitement of a baby shower. The joy of a new baby.

I know that not every day will be a bed of roses, and I will always have to face pain and disappointment. Freedom from the weight of past mistakes and fear of the future will not always shelter me from the pain of the present or the consequences of past actions. The best thing I can do is pause, look deeply within myself, face today’s problems with determination and honesty, and make the choices the day demands, knowing God is with me.

The burden of my yesterdays often becomes too great for me to bear alone. And if I think of my life in terms of all the things I must do tomorrow, next week, or next year, the sheer weight of the resulting worry overwhelms me. Whenever I find myself approaching either of those states of mind, I must ask God to bring me back to the now, where the burdens are more manageable and where I am able to either do something about them if I can with His help, or accept them if I can’t.

For most people, planning is a normal, healthy function; for me it is a two-edged sword. A good plan can keep my life manageable and help me get things done, but when planning leads me to hinge my happiness on the way I expect things to turn out, I am headed for trouble.

The present can be large and interesting enough to occupy all my attention if I can stay focused on it. By concentrating on the here and now and opening myself up to others, God, and the good around me, I can live a happy life, one day at a time.

Lord
Thank you for a new day. I am redeemed from my past. Im not who Satan says I am. I am a daughter/son of the most high God! Today I will only live for today. God you only give strength for Today. Not tomorrow, next week ,next month. Only today! Help me Lord to take on Today in full armor of God! Im Jesus name! Amen!

Keep Pushing!

Today I got to witness something truly miraculous. I was able to watch the birth of my god child. Now, I have 7 god children but this was different. I have seen 9 births, 8 of them were vaginal. That's what makes number 9 so miraculous for me. My sister-in-law gave birth via c-section. Today was a very humbling experience for me. You see, not only did I get to fulfill a life long dream of getting to scrub in on a surgery (I'm a faithful  Grey's Anatomy fan), but I was accountable to someone other than myself and spouse.
     April, my sister-in-law, depended on me to let her know what was going on. She depended on me to encourage her. She was scared. She let me know twice that she was scared. And it was my job to let her know that she would be fine. When I saw that precious little baby being pulled out, it was like time stood still. All these thoughts ran through my head about her future, her health, but mostly about the love. I had just met her and couldn't be more in love with her. She was perfect! She was beautiful! She is still so innocent. Standing in the elevator with her in the incubator seemed so precious to me. I wanted to hit my knees and thank God for the little piece of heaven that he sent my family. But mostly, looking into her tiny face, knowing that God promised me this exact thing.

     I won't be childless forever. God promises me a future of hope. He hasn't denied me children. He has simply asked me to wait. Im not being punished. Nothing is wrong with me. After all, I am fearfully and wonderfully made!  One of my favorite books in the bible is Samuel. For those that are not familiar with it let me give you a quick reference :

Hannah prayed year after year after year for children. She was often consumed with thoughts of infertility, so distraught that she could not eat. The Bible tells us that Hannah was heartbroken, and she began to pray to the Eternal One, weeping uncontrollably as she did (1 Samuel 1:9-10). When Eli saw Hannah praying (she was weeping, and her lips were moving, but words were not coming out…boy does that sound familiar!) he rebuked her for being drunk. Hannah had to explain to him that she was not drunk, but that she was a woman who has been pouring out the pain in her soul before the Eternal One (1 Samuel 1:15).
Out of all of the stories I have read about infertility in the Bible, Hannah’s is the one that resonates the loudest. Her pain in something that I can feel reading the Scriptures, and it is a familiar pain, a familiar longing, and a familiar frustration. The Bible so clearly portrays the depths of her emotion, physical, and spiritual pain.
But eventually, God remembered Hannah’s petition, and she became pregnant with Samuel. After giving birth to Samuel, Hannah conceived and gave birth to three sons and two daughters.
Her son Samuel grew tall, and wise in the ways of the Lord. He grew in favor with God and with the people he served (2:26).
Samuel eventually became the last and greatest judge of Israel.

Wow! How awesome is that! So often we ask God, but forget to praise Him for the  things we do have. We forget that God has promised a future of hope. We tend to give up on God when things get tough. But if we could just hold on to God's word, it will come to pass! Well my post is done. Have not slept for 17 hours so it's definitely my bedtime! So keep fighting the good fight!!!! It's coming!

My house

I have a 3 bedroom 2 bath house. We purchased it a little more than 3 years ago. It's funny.  I still remember the day we first set foot in it. At first I didn't like it. I thought it needed major renovations. But I got to the 1st bedroom. Guest room. It was a descent size. Went on to the master bedroom. Another nice size bedroom. Then came the 3rd bedroom....... Our baby room.  I stood there imagining the colors of the room. Where I would put the baby bed. The rocking chair. The changing table. Closet was a great size. I pictured all the baby clothes being hung up on the rod. I pictured us bringing home our newborn. Me,rocking our baby at 2 in the morning. Looking at little feet and hands flying all over the place. I pictured our fur babies laying under the crib protecting their baby. I pictured lots of up all nights, diaper changes, baby giggles. It was our house. This was where our baby would be raised. This is how God intended my family to be. This was the house. We had already been trying to conceive for 3 years before buying this house. So I figured this was the step God needed us to take to get to our baby. So we bought it.
       The first year in our house I did renovations. Redid the kitchen, hallway, living room, master bedroom. But I didn't touch the baby room. I figured we would do that when we became pregnant and found out the sex of the baby. But I did collect baby items that I knew I would need. The closet was full of clothes both boy and girl. I had blankets, burp cloths, etc. Some furniture. I held onto that hope for 2 yrs. But in those 2 years, that room turned into the most depressing room in my house. Every time I passed it, I was reminded of what I didn't have. I would go in there and just cry. I would see all the baby clothes and break down. It got to the point where the door was kept closed at all times because I didn't want to see it. I just couldn't handle it. About a few months went by and I found out that one of my friends was pregnant for a little boy. I mustered up all the courage I had and went in the room. I couldn't hold on to all the clothes I had. It was just wasting away. So I loaded all of the baby boy clothing in bags and dropped it off to her. That was a very hard day. I believe I cried all the way home. I did the same for the girl clothes. That room had never looked so empty.
     Then last year for Christmas I decided to give my husband a "Man cave". And that room was empty. I felt a bittersweet moment as I began painting that room. I was sad because it was like I was giving up on having a baby but happy because I was putting my husband first and giving him a room just for him.
     Infertility is a sadness and emptiness as you walk by the bedroom that should be a nursery.  It’s loneliness as your house is quiet and absent from tiny cries from a baby.  It’s frustration that leads to desperation as you try every possible way to conceive from meds to vitamins to vacations.
Infertility is desperately longing to be pregnant. Wanting to know what it feels like to have a life growing inside of you. A life that has your eyes and his smile. A life that you created in love.  It’s dreaming of the day you are finally able to watch your husband’s face light up when he feels them kick for the first time. Or show off every ultrasound picture to even the sweet cashier at the local grocery store.  It’s wishing for the day you have a newborn lay on your chest as you frantically count their tiny fingers and wiggly toes. But it’s also worrying and being scared to death that this dream might never happen.
Infertility is letting your hopes soar for a few days or weeks, anticipating that surely this time, you will become parents.  But to only have your hopes plummet as you watch your dreams die with yet another negative pregnancy test.  It’s going from shock after seeing only one line.  To denial as you find yourself running throughout the house searching and squinting for the other.  All the while bargaining with God to make the impossible possible.  And it’s while bargaining with Him, you become angry as you realize that He can, yet He hasn’t.  And possibly won’t.  At least not this time.  It’s getting passed the feelings of anger and finding yourself depressed as you cry over the death of your dreams for that month.  And it’s only after hours or even days of mourning the loss of what you had hoped, that you start to accept that this month was once again not the one. And so then comes the daunting task of picking yourself back up and starting all over again.  Maybe with a little more hope or maybe not.  Either way, your exhausted but ready to fight.  Ready to chase after your dreams one.more.time.

It is watching your life be put on hold.  Or even pushed backwards.  It’s letting go of the plans you once had, for new ones that make you cringe.  And cause your stomach to be sick. It’s wondering if you have been cursed or deemed unworthy to be called mommy.  Or punished for some past sin. Its begging and pleading to God for Him to rescue you.  But through your tears and heartache, telling Him you will still love Him even if He doesn’t.  It’s convincing yourself every day with a lump in your throat that His plans are best.  His timing is perfect.  And that it will happen.  One day…you hope.  It’s not only saying that God is good, but that He is good to me despite my feelings and circumstances.  All while trying to understand why prostitutes, drug addicts and those who abuse their children are given such a blessing.  It’s biting your tongue when someone tells you “it must not be God’s will” or shaking your fists to the heavens after suffering a miscarriage. It’s frustrating.  It’s gut-wrenching… Not to mention the toll it takes on your marriage. You sit and wonder if it's you...him....if your marriage is strong enough to endure one more month. You wonder if your spouse is thinking about leaving. If they just don't want this anymore. Some marriages don't survive infertility. In fact of the couples dealing with infertility about 45% of them end up in divorce.
     Infertility doesn't just affect one person. It affects everything around them. Eventually we will have a child either by blood or by choice. God will provide this. But for now....... I have a 3 bedroom 2 bath house.

Women

Hey guys. Been such a busy 2 days. I had cake orders to fulfill and I am still currently working on my niece's cake. But I thought I would take a time out to post. Was just thinking and wanted to get it down before I forget!


     So often, We (women that are going through infertility) get on social media sites and cringe when we see some of the things people post. Like the friend that complains about her children, or the person who is calling her kids all these horrible words. Or my favorite, the women who find out they are pregnant and say things like " Well im pregnant, urgh" or " Man I can't drink for 8 whole months" or " I hope I don't get fat from this baby". Yes I am always amazed at the things people post. Sometimes we just want to say " At least you can HAVE children". Or "At least you can carry your baby full term".  It's very hard not to call them out on the things that are so hurtful to us. But today, as I was ready to say something, I stopped. My mind and mouth were so ready to just let it all out and tell them what I thought. But my heart said otherwise. You see as I was getting ready to comment on their  post, I was reminded of how sometimes I get angry with my husband. Luckily for me I have never posted it on facebook. You see if I had posted on facebook it probably would have come out as if I disliked my husband and that sometimes I wonder....but in reality I love my husband and would not consider anything other than being together. But emotions and frustrations boil and things are said out of pure exhaustion. Now if I had posted that, I think about the single women/mommies who are thinking "At least she has a husband". I know of quite a few people, who long to be married or find someone that is their other half. I often wonder how they feel when others comment about how crappy their marriage is.
    Now I'm not comparing infertility to being single. Because infertility is a true medical condition that some never recover from. But it did make me realize that sometimes these moms that I find complaining, are usually doing so out of pure exhaustion. They may be feeling that they aren't a good mother. Maybe they are trying to keep it all together. Some are just hanging on by a thread. I'd like to say that because I have yearned for a baby for so long that I will never say those kinds of things but you really never know. I was talking to a woman in my group and she suffered from infertility for 16 years when she finally got pregnant. She said she always swore that she would never complain. But then life set in. She was exhausted, dealing with her husband who worked in the oilfield 9 months out of the year, taking care of her twins, running her house. And she said it. She told me that she told her sister "These kids are driving me crazy! I can't take much more of this!"  She said at one point she missed the silence. Once her sister took her children so she could just get a break, she felt so bad for what she said. She said it out of pure exhaustion and aggravation. You can pretty much tell which moms are at their wits end and which ones just don't want to be moms. I take the time to let the moms who are at their wits end that they are doing a great job. That none of us are perfect and that their children are alive and healthy. Because at the end of the day, these are the same moms that text me to tell me that I will be a mom! These are the same women who encourage me on my journey. That understand if I am having a rough day.
     So today this post isn't just about women with infertility but also for those moms that are just exhausted and feel weary. And also for those women that are still looking for their significant other. As women we should stand together and encourage one another. It may not be fair but each of us have our own trials and storms to walk through. It may make you feel a little better to have people in your corner.


   Anyway I promise I will post more tomorrow but I have a cake and cupcakes to finish! Night ya'll!!! (Yes I am Cajun :)

Lainey

Storming

Hi Everyone! It has been a while since I posted. Sorry about that. Richie and I went on vacation (to Disney World) for a week. Came back and had to basically play catch up on life :) So that's why I have been MIA!


    I am so blessed in my life. I have wonderful parents, tons of brothers and sisters. I have always had a roof over my head. Food in my belly. A wonderful husband. I have been doing some deep soul searching and realized that I never thanked God for my blessings. I got comfortable with what he gave me that I took them for granted. Matter of fact, if I hadn't been forced to endure this trial I am in, I wouldn't have taken a step back and realized that I never thanked God for everything. Don't get me wrong I was grateful for everything, but I never actually sat down and said " God Thank You for what you have given me. Thank you for what you have protected me from. Thank you for accepting ALL of my flaws."
     Infertility has been the worst yet best thing that has happened to me.


In the past 5 years:
 * I had to completely open up
* Face my fears
* Be vulnerable
* Learn to accept the things I cannot change
* Learn to lean on my husband
*Learn that my husband also has feelings and fears
* Learn to love life again
* Be ok to cry
* Learn to laugh at myself again
* Find my foothold in the Lord again.
* Figured out I'm so much stronger than I thought


And the list goes on and on. It was always hard in the first few years. Things like baby showers, birth announcements, and the dreaded pregnancy announcements were the worst thing ever! Most of my family didn't even realize what I was going through. Holidays I would put on a smile and pretend everything was wonderful. But in reality it was painful watching all their children open gifts, while I shifted in my seat looking at my husband who was just hanging on by a thread. Some days I would cry and cry. My body hurt so bad. I remember feeling like my body was being ripped apart. Showers were my safe haven. Getting in a hot shower and just sitting on the floor crying always made me feel safe. No Judgment Zone! Then I would retire to my chair with a bowl (tub, no judging) of ice cream and watch movies that made me cry even more.
      At the 3 year mark, my husband and I decided we would look into adoption. We had so many people try to give us advice and tell us what "we wanted" that it became overwhelming to me and I just wanted to shut the door. I wasn't ready. And I talked to my husband and decided that if God called us to that point, He would make us ready. I just knew we weren't at that point yet.
      It wasn't until this year (2014) that I began to truly discover who I am. When you are going through infertility, We become labeled. Every person is labeled. There are Bullies, Thieves, Fat, Skinny, etc. It wasn't until one of my clients introduced me as " Lainey, the girl with infertility", that made me reevaluate myself. She had labeled me. I wasn't Lainey. I was the girl with infertility. I was the skinny girl. I was the girl who had issues. As I began to ponder these labels, God began to show me who I really was.  I was BLESSED. I was CHOSEN. I am REDEEMED. I am FORGIVEN. I am HIS!
       Then I began to discover my faith again. Yes I am going through a storm. But God promises that I don't have to go through it alone. I am reminded of what he did for me 5 and 1/2 years ago. I am healed from Crohns Disease. I can look back and say I don't ever have to go through that again. I am healthy and alive.
     Today I can go to baby showers. I can be excited for others pregnancies. I can rejoice and stand in awe at the birth of a beautiful baby. I can rejoice in a hot shower and relax! I don't break down in tears when in the baby section at Walmart. I know that I serve a Good God. I know that God is My Rock. I can humble myself before God and place my worries and fears at the foot of the cross. My comfort lies in Him and Him alone. If he choses to bless me in this storm, I will rejoice. And if He doesn't, He is STILL GOOD. I am ok. I have 5 fur babies. A wonderful husband. A supportive family. A beautiful house. I'm content with where I am. I have my leopard rain boots and matching umbrella for my storm. Some of us need to start putting on our rain gear and playing in the rain. Life isn't  guaranteed for tomorrow. Many of my followers know this with everything we deal with. And once the storm is over, You wont remember how you made it through....You wont be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm is all about!
      With that being said, if any of you need someone to talk to I am always willing to be your encouragement if you need. Goodnight until tomorrow!!!


                                                                       Lainey

Back to Us

Hey Everyone
it has been a while since I posted on my blog. Well my husband was home so I spent time with him. And also we are planning a vacation! A much needed vacation! As you remember in previous post, I had decided it was time to get back to my husband and I. No more peeing on sticks, charting temperatures, tracking days. It was just time to get back to us. Well we are going to Disney World! I have never been!  Im a little nervous about leaving my 5 fur babies at camp for a week but other than that im ok.
     I never knew planning a vacation was so hard! Im exhausted already! So im so relieved that we decided to just stop all the craziness of infertility! I can honestly say that with infertility, you really forget who you are. You can forget about the important things and get so lost in doing whatever you have to do to make it happen. And you get to the point of feeling like a robot. So I called it quits. I needed to get back to me. Back to us. Back to life. Its only been 2 months since I just stopped the roller coaster of infertility but I have to say its the best decision I have made in a while. I have gotten stronger in my faith, discovered who I am, and have spent less time worrying about when I'm ovulating! I have never felt better!

     I have a confession. A lot of women dealing with infertility will relate to my confession. So here it is......Infertility makes me feel less like a woman. I mean,  multiplying is something that women were made to do. So when it doesn't happen, you feel inadequate. You just can't understand why it would happen to you. It's even worse when you have "unexplained infertility". All you want is answers but they can’t give you any. So I look to God. Only He knows the plans He has for me. He would never withhold blessings from me. It has taken me a while to get to this point, but God waited patiently for me to get here. He knew that I needed time to grieve. Time to heal. Time to understand. And time to figure out that all I need is Him. I needed to get back to Him. That's where my comfort is. That's where my hope comes from. Im running back to His promises because that's all I can hold onto. Nothing surprises God. So I can trust that He knows what he is doing. And when my baby boy/baby girl comes, I will have a testimony!  God uses everything to Glorify Him.

      Anyway, I am still fighting a cold due to my immune system being compromised from pneumonia. But I will hopefully be better soon and write a bit more on my next post :(
Night everyone!

                                         XOXO
                                        LAINEY
                                     

I'm OK

 When We first started trying to conceive, I started collecting stuff for my hope chest. A hope chest was a little box I kept under my bed and filled it with things that I "Hoped" to put on my future child. I would put bibs in it, socks (pink and blue), bows and bow ties, etc. Over the years I get ideas for my pregnancy announcement, gender reveal party, baby shower and I would write them down and put them in my hope chest. Invitations I thought were cute I would print up and put in my hope chest.
    After the 3rd year my Hope Chest got pretty full. Sometimes I would open it and see all the little tiny socks and bows and just ball my eyes out. That chest seemed to taunt me. It seemed that all that was in that chest would be just that "HOPE". I was "Hoping" for something that may never happen.
     I remember times when I literally dumped everything in that chest, out into the trash can. A few hours would pass and I would go digging in the garbage to pull everything out and put it back in the chest.
    It has now been 5 years since we started trying to conceive. I went back to that chest and opened it up. But this time was different. This time I didn't cry. This time I didn't hurt. This time I felt different.
This time I realized that I am OK. I am OK. Something that I couldn't say a few years back. I am OK. I may not have a baby yet. I may not be able to use that stuff in my HOPE CHEST. I may not get the answers to my questions right now. But I was OK. What brought the change?
    Well my walk with God changed me. My husband changed me. My self image changed me. Ill explain how below.
  First my walk with God. If you have ever been in a storm of any kind, then You know that your relationship with God gets tested. It either makes or breaks you. My choice was God. I knew that I couldn't do this on my own. I knew that no matter what I was going to love God and trust Him with every part of my being. And once I made that decision, my paths started becoming straight. Once I really focused in on Gods plan for my life, infertility began to take a backseat to my life.
    My husband changed me. Infertility can be just as much stressful on the guy than you. I mean poor guy. He has an emotional wife that just doesn't understand what is going on. Sex becomes more of a job than intimate pleasure. I mean I'm sure it doesn't sound fun when your wife is yelling
" I'm ovulating can we please get this done real quick." And well "I'm not ovulating so we don't have too."   I never realized the toll it takes on my husband. I mean not only is he dealing with his crazy wife but he is also questioning himself.  Things like why can't I give my wife a child pop into his mind. It puts a lot of pressure on him. So once I started letting God work, it became easy for me to see my husbands insecurities. And once I got it, I GOT IT! I needed to go back to the way it was before all of the infertility craziness. Back to the way it was when I didn't have to chart anything. When I didn't calculate my ovulation and timing intercourse just right. We needed to get back to us. Get back to the fun and intimate relationship we had once before. And when we did that, infertility moved from the backseat into a pull behind travel trailer.
   My self image. With infertility sometimes we can let our self go. No, it doesn't just happen to mothers with children. It happens to us too. When I was going through infertility depression, I quit exercising. I got depressed which made me, well, lazy. All I wanted to do was lay around and eat oreos all day. I'm a pretty petite woman. But when you aren't active other things can go wrong. I would get winded walking to the mailbox. I was tired come noon. I didn't want to get dressed up, which is a huge deal for me because lets face it, I am a total diva! Once I started focusing more on myself, I started feeling better about myself. I started taking time to do things for myself. And when that happened I began feeling like myself again. Before infertility.


     It took me a while but I finally realized that I'm OK. I'm Ok with whatever God decides I need in my life. I am ok with going back to the basics in my marriage. I am OK today. I will be OK tomorrow. I will OK next week, a year from now, and 20yrs from now. So with that being said, just remember that you too will be OK. No matter what storm you are in, God promises a rainbow at the other end. Ya'll have a blessed evening!

XOXO

Lainey