Storming

Hi Everyone! It has been a while since I posted. Sorry about that. Richie and I went on vacation (to Disney World) for a week. Came back and had to basically play catch up on life :) So that's why I have been MIA!


    I am so blessed in my life. I have wonderful parents, tons of brothers and sisters. I have always had a roof over my head. Food in my belly. A wonderful husband. I have been doing some deep soul searching and realized that I never thanked God for my blessings. I got comfortable with what he gave me that I took them for granted. Matter of fact, if I hadn't been forced to endure this trial I am in, I wouldn't have taken a step back and realized that I never thanked God for everything. Don't get me wrong I was grateful for everything, but I never actually sat down and said " God Thank You for what you have given me. Thank you for what you have protected me from. Thank you for accepting ALL of my flaws."
     Infertility has been the worst yet best thing that has happened to me.


In the past 5 years:
 * I had to completely open up
* Face my fears
* Be vulnerable
* Learn to accept the things I cannot change
* Learn to lean on my husband
*Learn that my husband also has feelings and fears
* Learn to love life again
* Be ok to cry
* Learn to laugh at myself again
* Find my foothold in the Lord again.
* Figured out I'm so much stronger than I thought


And the list goes on and on. It was always hard in the first few years. Things like baby showers, birth announcements, and the dreaded pregnancy announcements were the worst thing ever! Most of my family didn't even realize what I was going through. Holidays I would put on a smile and pretend everything was wonderful. But in reality it was painful watching all their children open gifts, while I shifted in my seat looking at my husband who was just hanging on by a thread. Some days I would cry and cry. My body hurt so bad. I remember feeling like my body was being ripped apart. Showers were my safe haven. Getting in a hot shower and just sitting on the floor crying always made me feel safe. No Judgment Zone! Then I would retire to my chair with a bowl (tub, no judging) of ice cream and watch movies that made me cry even more.
      At the 3 year mark, my husband and I decided we would look into adoption. We had so many people try to give us advice and tell us what "we wanted" that it became overwhelming to me and I just wanted to shut the door. I wasn't ready. And I talked to my husband and decided that if God called us to that point, He would make us ready. I just knew we weren't at that point yet.
      It wasn't until this year (2014) that I began to truly discover who I am. When you are going through infertility, We become labeled. Every person is labeled. There are Bullies, Thieves, Fat, Skinny, etc. It wasn't until one of my clients introduced me as " Lainey, the girl with infertility", that made me reevaluate myself. She had labeled me. I wasn't Lainey. I was the girl with infertility. I was the skinny girl. I was the girl who had issues. As I began to ponder these labels, God began to show me who I really was.  I was BLESSED. I was CHOSEN. I am REDEEMED. I am FORGIVEN. I am HIS!
       Then I began to discover my faith again. Yes I am going through a storm. But God promises that I don't have to go through it alone. I am reminded of what he did for me 5 and 1/2 years ago. I am healed from Crohns Disease. I can look back and say I don't ever have to go through that again. I am healthy and alive.
     Today I can go to baby showers. I can be excited for others pregnancies. I can rejoice and stand in awe at the birth of a beautiful baby. I can rejoice in a hot shower and relax! I don't break down in tears when in the baby section at Walmart. I know that I serve a Good God. I know that God is My Rock. I can humble myself before God and place my worries and fears at the foot of the cross. My comfort lies in Him and Him alone. If he choses to bless me in this storm, I will rejoice. And if He doesn't, He is STILL GOOD. I am ok. I have 5 fur babies. A wonderful husband. A supportive family. A beautiful house. I'm content with where I am. I have my leopard rain boots and matching umbrella for my storm. Some of us need to start putting on our rain gear and playing in the rain. Life isn't  guaranteed for tomorrow. Many of my followers know this with everything we deal with. And once the storm is over, You wont remember how you made it through....You wont be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm is all about!
      With that being said, if any of you need someone to talk to I am always willing to be your encouragement if you need. Goodnight until tomorrow!!!


                                                                       Lainey