Questions You Had for Us

Tonight I will just spend a little time answering a few questions you all had for me.

1.) What is your favorite memory of your wedding day?

     * Well besides getting to marry my best friend, I have a few really memories. My biggest memory was standing in the dressing room looking out the window praying Richie wouldn't change his mind. I kept sending my sister out to see if he was there yet. But my all time favorite memory was when I was getting ready to walk down the Isle and my mom stepped on the back of my dress and tore it. My big sister was trying to fix it quickly. However I wasn't really bothered by it. I was more worried about getting to the front before he could find an exit ;)

2.) What made you want to be a mom?
           *  In kindergarten when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer was always a wife and mommy. In middle school we had to write a paper on something we wanted to pursue after high school. My paper was about becoming a wife and mommy. And in high school, my class went to a college fair and I stayed behind. When pressed by my teacher I explained that I wasn't going to college because all I wanted to be was a wife and a mommy. So you can say I have always wanted to be a mom.

3.) What is your favorite thing to do?
            * I can absolutely spend a whole weekend watching seasons 1-11 of Grey's Anatomy. I love doing renovations in my house. But my all time favorite thing to do is be with my husband and 6 fur babies. I am happy just laying in bed or on the couch snuggled up with them.

4.) What did they diagnose you or your spouse with in terms of infertility?
        * Unexplained Infertility. Nothing is wrong with me or Richie. Which is probably the worst diagnosis. Because when you are diagnosed with Endometriosis or PCOS there is a name to it. There's somethings they can try. With unexplained infertility there is nothing they can do to help us because nothing is really wrong. They don't know what to treat.

5.) What is your favorite movie?
         * My husband and I have quite the collection of Christian movies. My all time favorite movie is Facing the Giants. If you are dealing with infertility, then this is a definite movie to go too. It hits you right in the feels. It's one of those movies that will make you ugly cry lol. But my husband and I relate to it! My top 5 movie list:
#1- Facing the Giants
#2- God's Not Dead
#3- Courageous
#4-Flywheel
#5- Fireproof

6.)Would you consider adoption?
         * Actually we have. But I will get into that tomorrow in my next post.

7.) How do you have so much faith in God when you have been trying for 6 yrs?
       * I didn't always have this faith. In fact for the first 2 -2 and a half years, I had no faith. Faith comes when you have nothing else to believe in.  It happens when you realize that you can no longer do it on your on. It's realizing that all this time, God had you. Every day I have to ask God to show me how to have faith. I gave it to Him and have to Trust Him. Faith is a choice. A choice I make everyday!

8.)Do you have baby names picked out already?
    * I do ;) But as you know, plans and names can change. I already have my pregnancy announcement planned. My gender reveal party planned, my baby shower, my baby nursery, etc. I will be ready ;)

Well that was what most of the questions were. Hopefully I answered all of the questions. Tomorrow I will have an announcement so stay tuned.

76 months

AF arrived this morning****six days late might i add. She brought along severe nausea, an upset stomach, and some intense cramping.
And her arrival marks the beginning of cycle #76: 76 months of trying to have a baby. 76 months of my body still not doing what it's supposed to do. 76 months of testing,blood work, checkups,etc. 76 months and 4 different doctors. 76 months ,a husband, and 6 doggies later.
     When I say 76 months it doesn't seem as long as me saying 6 and a half years. But that's 76 months that I don't have to do over again. That's 76 months of getting to know about the male/female anatomy. In fact, I could probably major in endocrinology  with all of the things I know now! I could also major in Faith! Because I have had to have a whole 76 months of that so far! Well actually it would be minus the first 24 months because I didn't understand why God would allow me to go through this.
     I wasn't always happy with my circumstance. In fact, the first 2 years of TTC were the worst. I didn't understand how God could love me but allow me to have infertility. I went through depression. I wanted to shut everyone out. I hated going to family functions. I hated holidays. I hated Mother's day. Father's Day! I hated the baby isle at Walmart, Target, and every other store that had baby stuff! I hated going places where there could be pregnant women everywhere. I hated walking to my mailbox just to see another baby shower invite/birth announcement. I hated baby dedication at church. I was so full of hate!  I would take hour long showers and just cry. After 2 years of feeling sorry for myself, I finally realized that it was time to pick myself up out of the hole I was digging. Now 4 years later, I am the happiest I have ever been! I can rejoice in pregnancy announcements and baby showers. I can rejoice in Mother's day with other mothers! I even planned a few babyshowers! If you are going through what I call "IF (infertility)blues" you are not alone. In fact most women who go through infertility, go through the "IF blues".  Just know that I would love to chat with anyone who just needs a shoulder to cry on!  I am a very good listener!

      Anyway I had a few people ask me a few questions about myself. So on my next blog post I will answer those. It's not too late to get your questions to me. You can email me at robinsonlainey717@gmail.com.
    These are just questions you wanted to know about us. I will be addressing those tomorrow :) Until then night yall!

Give Us This Day

One of the greatest prayers ever taught goes back two thousand years and contains a simple point that helps me focus on living in the now: “Give us this day our daily bread.”

For 5 years, Infertility took away my ability to enjoy life. I became so remorseful of the past and so fearful of the future that I was constantly terrorized by the thought of what another day might bring. Then, in that single sentence from the Bible, I found a whole new concept for living. When I live in the day, I’m freed from that life of fear and torment.

I can’t expect to have my needs guaranteed for the next week or month or year. All I really need is what I need for today. That is why I must strive to live my life that way—one day at a time.

I have come to understand that today is the only time I have. There is no guarantee of tomorrow; and yesterday, with all its mistakes and sorrows, is gone forever. Today, this present moment, is precious.

Even though I know this now, I can still waste my day by reliving the past or worrying about the future.

The effect Infertility had on me was that I took myself and my sordid circumstances very seriously, often to the point that I lost contact with reality. There was no joy or humor or real satisfaction in what I did. Everything around me became grim and dark.

Today, positive signs of spiritual rebirth are showing in my life. Each day I gain more spiritual energy and zest for living. I find joy in others and myself. I have rediscovered the pleasure of laughter. The excitement of a baby shower. The joy of a new baby.

I know that not every day will be a bed of roses, and I will always have to face pain and disappointment. Freedom from the weight of past mistakes and fear of the future will not always shelter me from the pain of the present or the consequences of past actions. The best thing I can do is pause, look deeply within myself, face today’s problems with determination and honesty, and make the choices the day demands, knowing God is with me.

The burden of my yesterdays often becomes too great for me to bear alone. And if I think of my life in terms of all the things I must do tomorrow, next week, or next year, the sheer weight of the resulting worry overwhelms me. Whenever I find myself approaching either of those states of mind, I must ask God to bring me back to the now, where the burdens are more manageable and where I am able to either do something about them if I can with His help, or accept them if I can’t.

For most people, planning is a normal, healthy function; for me it is a two-edged sword. A good plan can keep my life manageable and help me get things done, but when planning leads me to hinge my happiness on the way I expect things to turn out, I am headed for trouble.

The present can be large and interesting enough to occupy all my attention if I can stay focused on it. By concentrating on the here and now and opening myself up to others, God, and the good around me, I can live a happy life, one day at a time.

Lord
Thank you for a new day. I am redeemed from my past. Im not who Satan says I am. I am a daughter/son of the most high God! Today I will only live for today. God you only give strength for Today. Not tomorrow, next week ,next month. Only today! Help me Lord to take on Today in full armor of God! Im Jesus name! Amen!

Keep Pushing!

Today I got to witness something truly miraculous. I was able to watch the birth of my god child. Now, I have 7 god children but this was different. I have seen 9 births, 8 of them were vaginal. That's what makes number 9 so miraculous for me. My sister-in-law gave birth via c-section. Today was a very humbling experience for me. You see, not only did I get to fulfill a life long dream of getting to scrub in on a surgery (I'm a faithful  Grey's Anatomy fan), but I was accountable to someone other than myself and spouse.
     April, my sister-in-law, depended on me to let her know what was going on. She depended on me to encourage her. She was scared. She let me know twice that she was scared. And it was my job to let her know that she would be fine. When I saw that precious little baby being pulled out, it was like time stood still. All these thoughts ran through my head about her future, her health, but mostly about the love. I had just met her and couldn't be more in love with her. She was perfect! She was beautiful! She is still so innocent. Standing in the elevator with her in the incubator seemed so precious to me. I wanted to hit my knees and thank God for the little piece of heaven that he sent my family. But mostly, looking into her tiny face, knowing that God promised me this exact thing.

     I won't be childless forever. God promises me a future of hope. He hasn't denied me children. He has simply asked me to wait. Im not being punished. Nothing is wrong with me. After all, I am fearfully and wonderfully made!  One of my favorite books in the bible is Samuel. For those that are not familiar with it let me give you a quick reference :

Hannah prayed year after year after year for children. She was often consumed with thoughts of infertility, so distraught that she could not eat. The Bible tells us that Hannah was heartbroken, and she began to pray to the Eternal One, weeping uncontrollably as she did (1 Samuel 1:9-10). When Eli saw Hannah praying (she was weeping, and her lips were moving, but words were not coming out…boy does that sound familiar!) he rebuked her for being drunk. Hannah had to explain to him that she was not drunk, but that she was a woman who has been pouring out the pain in her soul before the Eternal One (1 Samuel 1:15).
Out of all of the stories I have read about infertility in the Bible, Hannah’s is the one that resonates the loudest. Her pain in something that I can feel reading the Scriptures, and it is a familiar pain, a familiar longing, and a familiar frustration. The Bible so clearly portrays the depths of her emotion, physical, and spiritual pain.
But eventually, God remembered Hannah’s petition, and she became pregnant with Samuel. After giving birth to Samuel, Hannah conceived and gave birth to three sons and two daughters.
Her son Samuel grew tall, and wise in the ways of the Lord. He grew in favor with God and with the people he served (2:26).
Samuel eventually became the last and greatest judge of Israel.

Wow! How awesome is that! So often we ask God, but forget to praise Him for the  things we do have. We forget that God has promised a future of hope. We tend to give up on God when things get tough. But if we could just hold on to God's word, it will come to pass! Well my post is done. Have not slept for 17 hours so it's definitely my bedtime! So keep fighting the good fight!!!! It's coming!

My house

I have a 3 bedroom 2 bath house. We purchased it a little more than 3 years ago. It's funny.  I still remember the day we first set foot in it. At first I didn't like it. I thought it needed major renovations. But I got to the 1st bedroom. Guest room. It was a descent size. Went on to the master bedroom. Another nice size bedroom. Then came the 3rd bedroom....... Our baby room.  I stood there imagining the colors of the room. Where I would put the baby bed. The rocking chair. The changing table. Closet was a great size. I pictured all the baby clothes being hung up on the rod. I pictured us bringing home our newborn. Me,rocking our baby at 2 in the morning. Looking at little feet and hands flying all over the place. I pictured our fur babies laying under the crib protecting their baby. I pictured lots of up all nights, diaper changes, baby giggles. It was our house. This was where our baby would be raised. This is how God intended my family to be. This was the house. We had already been trying to conceive for 3 years before buying this house. So I figured this was the step God needed us to take to get to our baby. So we bought it.
       The first year in our house I did renovations. Redid the kitchen, hallway, living room, master bedroom. But I didn't touch the baby room. I figured we would do that when we became pregnant and found out the sex of the baby. But I did collect baby items that I knew I would need. The closet was full of clothes both boy and girl. I had blankets, burp cloths, etc. Some furniture. I held onto that hope for 2 yrs. But in those 2 years, that room turned into the most depressing room in my house. Every time I passed it, I was reminded of what I didn't have. I would go in there and just cry. I would see all the baby clothes and break down. It got to the point where the door was kept closed at all times because I didn't want to see it. I just couldn't handle it. About a few months went by and I found out that one of my friends was pregnant for a little boy. I mustered up all the courage I had and went in the room. I couldn't hold on to all the clothes I had. It was just wasting away. So I loaded all of the baby boy clothing in bags and dropped it off to her. That was a very hard day. I believe I cried all the way home. I did the same for the girl clothes. That room had never looked so empty.
     Then last year for Christmas I decided to give my husband a "Man cave". And that room was empty. I felt a bittersweet moment as I began painting that room. I was sad because it was like I was giving up on having a baby but happy because I was putting my husband first and giving him a room just for him.
     Infertility is a sadness and emptiness as you walk by the bedroom that should be a nursery.  It’s loneliness as your house is quiet and absent from tiny cries from a baby.  It’s frustration that leads to desperation as you try every possible way to conceive from meds to vitamins to vacations.
Infertility is desperately longing to be pregnant. Wanting to know what it feels like to have a life growing inside of you. A life that has your eyes and his smile. A life that you created in love.  It’s dreaming of the day you are finally able to watch your husband’s face light up when he feels them kick for the first time. Or show off every ultrasound picture to even the sweet cashier at the local grocery store.  It’s wishing for the day you have a newborn lay on your chest as you frantically count their tiny fingers and wiggly toes. But it’s also worrying and being scared to death that this dream might never happen.
Infertility is letting your hopes soar for a few days or weeks, anticipating that surely this time, you will become parents.  But to only have your hopes plummet as you watch your dreams die with yet another negative pregnancy test.  It’s going from shock after seeing only one line.  To denial as you find yourself running throughout the house searching and squinting for the other.  All the while bargaining with God to make the impossible possible.  And it’s while bargaining with Him, you become angry as you realize that He can, yet He hasn’t.  And possibly won’t.  At least not this time.  It’s getting passed the feelings of anger and finding yourself depressed as you cry over the death of your dreams for that month.  And it’s only after hours or even days of mourning the loss of what you had hoped, that you start to accept that this month was once again not the one. And so then comes the daunting task of picking yourself back up and starting all over again.  Maybe with a little more hope or maybe not.  Either way, your exhausted but ready to fight.  Ready to chase after your dreams one.more.time.

It is watching your life be put on hold.  Or even pushed backwards.  It’s letting go of the plans you once had, for new ones that make you cringe.  And cause your stomach to be sick. It’s wondering if you have been cursed or deemed unworthy to be called mommy.  Or punished for some past sin. Its begging and pleading to God for Him to rescue you.  But through your tears and heartache, telling Him you will still love Him even if He doesn’t.  It’s convincing yourself every day with a lump in your throat that His plans are best.  His timing is perfect.  And that it will happen.  One day…you hope.  It’s not only saying that God is good, but that He is good to me despite my feelings and circumstances.  All while trying to understand why prostitutes, drug addicts and those who abuse their children are given such a blessing.  It’s biting your tongue when someone tells you “it must not be God’s will” or shaking your fists to the heavens after suffering a miscarriage. It’s frustrating.  It’s gut-wrenching… Not to mention the toll it takes on your marriage. You sit and wonder if it's you...him....if your marriage is strong enough to endure one more month. You wonder if your spouse is thinking about leaving. If they just don't want this anymore. Some marriages don't survive infertility. In fact of the couples dealing with infertility about 45% of them end up in divorce.
     Infertility doesn't just affect one person. It affects everything around them. Eventually we will have a child either by blood or by choice. God will provide this. But for now....... I have a 3 bedroom 2 bath house.