The A Word

Well sorry I have been MIA for a few days. I am dealing with pneumonia and trying to get back on my feet. But I am feeling a little better so I thought I could take this time to write on my post that I have thinking about. So here it is :)


After the 4th year of our infertility journey, Richie and I started talking about the A word- Adoption. We began doing our research. Richie was more on board than I was. I mean for me, it was like I was saying that I would never have a baby of my own. I would never experience a baby kicking and moving inside of me. I would never have morning sickness or have to pee every 10 minutes. For someone who longs for that all of her life, its a tough pill to swallow knowing that it may not happen.


   It took me years to even dare to think about adopting. Our culture is so focused on physical family that it felt scandalous even to speak those words out loud. When I began to, the response was usually, “Have you ever thought about adoption?” The answer: Yes, of course we had. We had thought, prayed, wrestled with it. And yet we never felt like God was directing us to adopt a baby. That was also an extremely difficult decision in a generation that is passionate about adoption {and rightly so!}. And maybe God was not putting it on our hearts at this time.
    
I took a lot of criticism about us adopting. Some positive. Some negative. Some were pushing things on us that we knew we didn't want. Some were very hurtful. But also I had heard about a lot of failed adoptions which really scared me. I was putting a lot on the line. I was taking a chance on something and stepping out of my comfort zone.  I had peoples input from every which way possible. So we started the process. We got approved with one agency and when they sent us the fees, we nearly passed out. 40,000. That's a lot of money. We had to seriously step back and figure this out.


     I had received a message via Facebook, saying how selfish I was to adopt a baby, when there are tons of children in orphanages and foster homes needing loving parents. And most of them are under 1000 dollars to adopt. In which I responded, Yes in all of my research I did look into that option. However most of the children either were 14 and older or needed more medical attention than I could handle. I am basically a single mom when my husband goes to work. And I didn't see it appropriate for me to adopt a teenager when I'm practically just out of my teenage years. I wasn't trying to say id rather a newborn baby. Matter of fact, We specifically put on our paperwork newborn to 6 yrs of age. We were open. So needless to say that was discouraging for me.
     I also had people pushing fostering on me. You emotionally have to be strong to do that. Of which I am not. I can't even imagine taking a child into my home, raising him/her, and then them coming in and taking the child away from me. That would be devastating to me. I commend the parents who do it! Such very strong people to do that. I am not as strong as that.


      So after going through the process, it seemed like more things were fighting us and coming against us not to mention we were debating on filing bankruptcy for the adoption (just kidding guys). I mean if it is God's will, NOTHING will come in the way of making it happen. And after questioning everything we were pretty sure we weren't ready to give up just yet on conceiving ourselves. We just weren't there yet.


   Another question that was asked was: If you can't afford adoption, how are you going to afford a baby? My answer was: Well I am not expected to come up with 40,000 the day I conceive. I mean having a baby is expensive but coming up with 40,000 for the baby then taking the baby home and paying for the next 18 -21 years. If women living in the projects, with 10 baby daddy's can afford kids, then I can afford one child. Not trying to offend any women.


     I think a good portion of the first year a lot of our prayer life was centered around: ‘God, give us a baby.’ Month after month of disappointment, you start to question, ‘What are You doing? What’s Your plan? Are we doing something wrong? Is there something in our life that You want to get out of us before this happens? Going into marriage you’re very idealistic. You don’t dream that you’ll have fertility issues, but that’s a reality. As hard as it is to picture that I might never have a baby that looks like Richie, God is still God and He still loves us. He hasn’t forgotten us because the picture looks different than we thought it would. We hope that will change, but it will still be okay. I can stand at the end of my day and praise God for what He’s done in our lives. I won’t feel like He owes me anything. So when that day comes and God puts adoption on my heart, I will be ready. But for now I'm content in waiting. I love you guys and will be back tomorrow.

XOXO

Lainey

    

Just For Men

So we have talked about female infertility and things that bother us women. However, Male Infertility isn't something you hear much about. So tonight, my post will be for the men! Ladies don't check out now, You need your man to make a baby so let's give them a little information also!


Most people would be surprised to know that Male Infertility is almost as likely as Female Infertility to be involved in a couple's inability to achieve pregnancy. The good news is that "MOST" cases can be resolved by either treating the problem or using fertility treatments.

How common is Male Infertility you ask?  Well here's some numbers:
30% of couples discover fertility issues in both the male and female.
30% of couples discover fertility issues in only the man.
30% of couples discover fertility issues in only the woman.
10% of couples will not find a reason for their infertility aka Unexplained Infertility.

Of men diagnosed with male infertility, 10%-15% will have Azoospermia (a complete lack of sperm). Azoospermia is only present in about 1% of the general population.


Male Infertility is first diagnosed by a SA (Semen Analysis). It's a simple test that involves the man providing a semen sample for a lab to evaluate. They will measure the amount of semen, number of sperm, and sperm shape and movement. Ideally, they will usually ask to perform the test twice to confirm results. "MOST" of the time, a basic SA is all that's needed to diagnose male infertility.
Sometimes further testing is required such as a physical exam by a urologist, specialized SA (genetic testing of sperm, and immobile sperm), Bloodwork, etc.
     
Treatments can be simple or more advanced. Simple treatments include antibiotics and fertility. Sometimes surgical corrections are needed.


Substances like cigarettes, marijuana, alcohol, and steroids (like testosterone) may impact sperm count and function.


 So now that I gave you the statistics, we can all know that infertility is a shared experience. It's not something that is one and not the other. My husband and I are in this together. We won't talk about who has the problem because to us, we have a problem. For men, its hard to talk about male infertility because lets face it. To them it's their manhood. For women, we just feel like our bodies don't do the one thing it's suppose to do. But studies show, that both men and women feel inadequate when it comes to infertility. So be supportive of couples going through infertility. When they are comfortable enough, they will open up to you and share everything. But don't push them because it never turns out well. Tomorrow I will post some personal stuff that I have over came and was healed from before infertility. So with that being said, I love you all, goodnight and have a blessed evening!

XOXO

Lainey

   






    

The Positives of Infertility

I promised you guys I would post something positive today! Well these are the some what positives of infertility. So lets just jump into it!


#1. We KNOW our anatomy a lot better than most women.
* I mean seriously. We have had so many test done, blood work, exams, etc. When you are diagnosed with infertility you start doing research on your anatomy to see what you can do about it! Our future children will pass sex ed with flying colors!


#2. We get really good with time!
  * We can literally calculate our whole day around ovulation and testing. Some of us can even plan our BD months in advance!


#3. We realize just how strong we really are.
 * Man does it take strength to get through infertility! Not just emotional but physical and mental. Most women dealing with infertility will undergo so many testing, poking, probing, and yes even surgeries. The physical strength is something we have to have to heal our bodies from all of that. Mentally, we are dealing with our doctors, spouses, families, in laws, friends, strangers, etc. Questions are always being asked, we are always being critiqued, there is always another pregnancy announcement on Facebook, another baby shower invite in the mailbox, etc. We have to be mentally strong to deal with everything.


#4. Our faith in God gets stronger.
* I mean sure, We have all gotten angry with God because we just didn't understand. We have questioned a lot of things. But some of us, have found comfort in God and his timing. I know that without my walk with God I wouldn't be where I am today. I am always looking for ways to grow closer to God while I'm waiting for my little miracle.


#5. We see life in a different way.
* You know how people who have fought and won cancer, or someone that survived an accident see life different? Well we do too. Life is a complete miracle for us. Everyday we strive to make that little miracle. We eat, breathe, sleep, live for that little miracle of life. We realize how precious life really is. Especially when it's taken so long for it to come along.


#6. Our marriage CAN get stronger.
* It is really easy to get along and have fun with your spouse  when everything in life is going great. But you really find out what your marriage is made of when you're forced to face life struggles together. You start to realize that if you can make it through this challenge, you can make it through anything!


#7.When you get to sleep at night, you still get to sleep through the night.
* Unless you are like me who has a husband who sleeps 10 kinds of crazy! Plus I share a bed with 5 furbabies so yea!


#8. So last night I posted a negative thing about this but there can possibly be a positive too! When your friends all offer to let you have their "bratty" kids (their words). GREAT! So don't be surprised and call the police when we take them. We had a verbal agreement :)


#9.Infertile Women truly don't know the meaning of sisterhood until she has bonded with other childless infertile women.
*Motherhood seems to be like a membership to such an exclusive club, and infertile friends hang out like the bullied nerds in school. Going to parties or family functions is not always fun to us. Simply because we can't compete with the conversations of" our children" "poopoo in the potty" or starting school or playing in sports, etc. We often do feel like the 3rd wheel. But we get other women with infertility the way you get other moms.


Well there you have it. These are some of the positives of infertility.  I would write a little longer but  I need to take a shower, eat, and get ready for bed. So until tomorrow, I love you guys!
                       

 XOXO

Lainey

10 Things Women With Infertilty Do Not Want To Hear

Ok so this post is not trying to offend anyone, It is just something that most women in my infertility group talk about. And Most people don't even realize that some things they can say are very offensive to women who struggle with infertility. Infertility is a roller coaster ride. We are up, we are down, we may have to put on the brakes etc. One minute we are completely fine and at the sight of a cute little baby we are down and out. I remember getting in lines at Walmart, and if there was a little baby or pregnant women, I was out of that line so fast it would make your head spin. Not because I didn't like their baby or their cute little pregnancy belly. But because I couldn't control my emotions around them. I wanted to cry. I wanted to get angry (at myself). So it was better just to remove myself from the situation. But some of the hardest things I have dealt with, is the things friends, family, and random strangers would say to me not even realizing that their words would echo in my head for weeks. And then they began to take root. Now I am a pretty quiet and sensitive person. I usually would just smile and nod and then go home and cry into my pillow. But other women, if caught at the right moment, will go off on you so quick you have no idea what just happened. And the funny thing is, is that most people are honestly really trying to help and don't realize that it hurts. They really do have the best of intentions. And honestly most people don't know how to carry a conversation with someone with infertility, especially if their whole family has not suffered from it. I mean infertility really is an awkward subject. So this blog is just explaining the things that hurt us the most. Again this is not to offend anyone. So here it goes:


#1. Are you sure you are doing everything right?
** This is a question that is all to familiar. I mean is there really a wrong way to the deed? Most of us took sex ed in high school. So I believe there is really only one way. Which involves a male and female. We are already struggling with our bodies and to be told that we may be having sex wrong just makes us feel inadequate and dumb.


#2. Maybe it's not meant to be.
** There is very often an implication there that if God wants you to get pregnant you will get pregnant. And some people, and yes it takes balls, either imply or outright say..(I have been there.) That if it doesn’t happen naturally it is NOT meant to be. Like ‘just move on with your life’. Some also may imply that things like IUI and IVF are NOT in God’s plans and aren’t ‘natural’. I take personal offense to that. So when you say this statement, even if you do NOT mean it in that way that I just described, re-think saying that, or it will very possibly get taken that way.


#3. Don't you want children?
** Sometimes people just want to know what you’re up to. They’re just trying to work out why such a lovely couple would not want to be parents. It’s a social expectation that people have and want children and the grand assumption is that if you wanted children you’d have them by now. It’s also a reflection of the instant society we live in. If you want something, go and get it. People assume having children is just as easy as that.


#4. You want kids? Take mine.
**I know people mean well by this. But, to those of you who say such things, let me tell you that babysitting for your kids is not the same thing as being a parent. It just isn't. And it is actually very hurtful because it's almost as if you are saying that being a parent is such a horrible thing!


#5.What do you want a baby for anyway?
** I mean most people want a baby to love, and kiss on, and etc but not me. Nope I just want a baby just for the title. This is being said in a sarcastic voice. But really, I have dreamed of the day when I hear my child cry. That only us, the parents, can take care of. I want to hear a little voice call me mommy. I want to hear those stupid little squeaky shoes running down my hallway. I dream of getting up at 2am feedings. Rocking my baby to sleep every night. Having a splash war in the tub. Having peas spit into my face. Having to open a candy in the store to bribe my child to be quiet. Every birthday party, hospital stay, smile, thanks mommy. I dream of these things.


#6. Don't worry. Just relax. It will happen.
**
If couples having fertility problems had a dollar for each time they’d heard this suggestion, they could afford to buy their own fertility clinic. So why do we hear this comment almost universally?
People are just responding to a popular myth that relaxing in some way helps your fertility. The myth is that somehow there is a connection between sperm, eggs and relaxation. The reality is that if you needed relaxation to conceive, there would be no conception during war, hardships or other unpleasant situations, for example, sexual abuse. But it does happen in these cases. Just think of it, it’s not just the relaxed people in the world who become parents and the cranky tense ones who don’t. People who provide this comment are just trying to help and are reflecting a social myth. And unfortunately, many people have anecdotes of how people relaxed and all of a sudden became pregnant. You’ll hear them. Each and every one of them. The little brother of this comment is “Why don’t you just take a holiday and relax? A friend of mine went away and got pregnant straight away.” While this may be true, sometimes the only reason that people conceived while they were away is that in an exotic location, they had more sex than if they were stuck at home.


#7. Why don't you just adopt?
**Even if a woman has thoughts about adoption as a last resort on the back-burner in her mind, the last thing she needs to hear it is from someone else’s mouths. While there are couples who have kids and simply wish to adopt, and it is an amazing and beautiful thing. There are also millions of hurting women out there, and I used to be one of them, just DYING to have a baby that is genetically hers and her husbands.If she has egg problems or her husband has sperm issues it may alter that dream a little bit. But it still will be a child that is part of her and her husband. And regardless of maternity and paternity, if you ask the majority of women who are infertile, experiencing a pregnancy for themselves is HUGE! They want to be able to experience life growing inside of them, and the miracle of birth for themselves. If that is not in the cards down the line, that becomes up to them and their partner.  It’s a very insensitive thing to suggest as infertile women already know all of their options, and that is usually the very last one for them. Not to mention that sure we always have 30-40 extra thousand dollars laying around. And then its a waiting game. And sometimes you get your heart broken and end up right back at the fertility clinic.


#8. It's Gods will....
**Somebody get the gong out. You say this, and you just messed up royally!  If God chose everybody who should or shouldn’t have babies then there would be no teen pregnancies, no pregnancies where children are born into abusive homes or are neglected, or not even wanted which happens a lot. God may give us tests in life to develop strength inside of our inner selves. And I do believe that for every struggle we face and conquer we do become stronger and better for it. Infertility does not mean God doesn’t want any specific woman to NOT have a child. To NOT become a mother. Don’t bring God into the situation. Chances are most infertile women have already went through their angry phase with God and are finally in a good place. 


#9. Why don't you just GIVE UP?
** I hear this a lot from my friends. Giving up is easier said than done. Especially when it is everything you have ever wanted. Imagine if Jesus was walking to the cross and he just gave up. None of us would be here right now. Imagine if Abraham and Sarah would have just given up when God told them she would conceive a child in her 90's! Isaac would have never been born. Imagine if Hannah would have given up and accepted her infertility. She would have never gotten Samuel. So NO I will not give up until God tells me too. And so far I'm still kicking!




#10. You are lucky in a way. I wish I were less fertile. 
**This is a huge one that I have been personally attacked with. Brag, brag, brag about how fertile they are, like it is a curse. And look to us like we are lucky because we don’t maybe have to pop a pill or wear a condom because we don’t get pregnant every 9 months. News flash..we would MUCH rather take a pill or use the rhythm method and worry about pregnancy, because it is a blessing to be fertile. It can create jealousy and even anger in the millions of couples who have fertility woes and only wish to be like you. Don’t ever complain about your booming fertility. It is only going to hurt your friend, family member, acquaintance, whomever you are speaking to. It won’t ever help them, and it is highly insensitive.

So tonight I will end with this. I know sometimes we say things not thinking. I mean I have inserted my foot in my mouth a few times, and it wasn't personal.  I have learned in those mistakes to ask God to direct my words before I speak. I have actually asked a woman when she was due, when she wasn't in fact pregnant. So now I learned to tread lightly. I'm pretty much one that brushes it off because I know my family and know that they wouldn't intentionally hurt me. Tomorrow I will post something for you all that's more or less positive! Hope you all have a blessed evening.

POAS SYNDROME

POAS Syndrome. To some this is an all to familiar thing. But to others who haven't experienced infertility, this is completely foreign. So a quick lesson:
POAS- Pee On A Stick Syndrome. Yes this is real! If you have ever tried to conceive longer than a year, you will totally get this. To explain....Women with infertility will feel the need to POAS at any time they have to use the restroom. When actively trying to conceive, Ovulation test and thermometers become your best friends. I can't count how many times I would be shopping in Hobby Lobby and feel the urge to go. When I got to the restroom, I whipped out an Ovulation Strip (OPK) so fast. I was ready at any given point.
      Women with infertility understand that at any given point, We can ovulate. And within a few hours it's gone! Our whole life revolves around timing everything just right. And even still, chances are slim. Example: Lets start at AF (Aunt Flo). AF comes along. Once AF is gone, that's when the POAS begins. We POAS sometimes 10 times a day! Then you tape each stick to a paper with the date and time that you did it. Some days you won't see any change. You stare at those sticks for so long, that you start getting "line- eye". Then you have to take a picture of it to send to your TTC (trying to conceive) friends so they can verify that indeed you do have "line-eye". So back to POAS you go. Finally when you get your positive OPK test, you BD (baby dance, horizontal mambo, do the deed, whatever it is you want to call it). From there you wait...and wait....and wait.....wait to Pee on yet ANOTHER stick called a pregnancy test. But in those days that you wait....well its pure agony.  You test to early, you 1.) Waste a test and 2.) you get a BFN (big fat negative). So we wait....and wait....and wait. After all that waiting, your body starts to develop pregnancy symptoms. However these symptoms are the same exact symptoms as PMS! So of course we women start calculating every symptom we have, and start counting the days down to test. And once we finally do test, we can't just pee on one.....no. We pee on 5 or more, in fear that the other 4 could have been a false negative. Praying for that little pink line to have a little twin pink line next to it! But as soon as you're fixing to take your last one, AF shows up. So then you text all of your TTC friends, "Well CD 1....I'm out!" CD meaning Cycle Day 1. Which means we wait for AF to pass and start POAS yet again!
      It's a vicious cycle. A Cycle we are all to familiar with.
   I use to store my OPK test and PG test on the side of my toilet. Well I can't tell you how many of my friends would come use the bathroom and feel the need to POAS. It's just so tempting. So tempting that in fact I actually had to throw mine away because I was literally driving myself to depression. It seemed as if I was always getting my positive OPKs when Richie was offshore. And even when I got my positives my temps never matched up. I was never actually sure if I was indeed ovulating or not. I was going crazy trying to figure it all out. And when Richie was in, I was so focused on "I'm ovulating, lets hurry up" that nothing was fun anymore. I wasn't enjoying my husband anymore. Not just sexually but emotionally. I think I realized I had a major problem the day that I was freaking out because I thought I had more OPK test when indeed I didn't. I must have tore my bathroom apart looking for at least one. I nearly peed on myself because I was holding it in case I found a test. That's when I realized that I needed to take a step back and take a break. The first week was hard. My RE even wanted to put me on anxiety meds to help. But I knew I could do it. To be honest, after that week, I am so much happier. I enjoy spending time with my husband. I can actually sit down and watch a whole movie without thinking, " I may be ovulating, and this movie is wasting my time".


        With all the craziness, I realized that I was actually worshipping an idol. I put POAS in front of trusting GOD. Used to be, I would get up fix my coffee, let my fur babies out, and sit down with my bible and spend time with HIM. But I noticed that I was waking up, charting my temperature, letting the girls out, POAS, waiting to see if it was positive, feeling discouraged that it was negative, and going about my day. I wasn't putting God first anymore. I wasn't trusting HIM anymore. I wasn't giving GOD the first part of my day. I knew things had to change.  I wanted to be happy again. I wanted to enjoy my days.


It took a while but I can honestly say that I am finally back to where I want to be. I have made a decision that if I POAS, I will rejoice and thank GOD for HIS timing. And I am finally at a point where I am OK with whatever GODS plans for me are. I am OK if HE never gives us a child. I am going to love HIM anyway. Sometimes I tell GOD "It's not fair" But then I think, It wasn't fair that HE had to die on the cross for my sins. It wasn't fair that HE was beaten for my transgressions. It's not fair that I fail HIM everyday and yet HE LOVES ME ANYWAY! I know that I can go to HIM with all of my tears and pain, and HE will never judge me. HE never looks at me with anything but love.
       I'm officially happy with where I am on my journey. HE knows what I was built to handle. He only gives us what HE knows we can handle. So Tonight I'm concluding that POAS Syndrome is real. And its a vicious cycle for those struggling with infertility. Praying for all those suffering tonight. Baby Dust to you all! And blessings to my friends and family reading this!

XOXO

Lainey

The Discouragement

Its so funny. As I mentioned in previous post, I never thought infertility could happen to me! But the one thing you don't realize is the affects of it. It hits you so hard at times. For me, it was baby showers. Walking to the mail box and getting yet another baby shower invite would nearly draw me to my knees in tears. I had a hard time going to them because it was so hard for me. The mothers would all talk about their children and I would just be sitting there all infertile. I felt so alone.
    Children's birthdays were always hard too. It was a reminder of the one thing I didn't have. I always dreamed of planning a perfectly themed birthday party, the cake, the decorations, NO Balloons of course ;) And going to these parties I was usually the only one without a child.
      I remember one time I went to Walmart to shop for a baby shower and I was so overwhelmed with all the baby items and my emotions that I just broke down in tears. Lucky for me a Walmart employee came and hugged me. Thinking back on it, she was my only source of comfort. I felt so much better after crying into her shoulder. She didn't need to know what was wrong, she was just there. I have always been a happy person so these feelings were not something I was prepared to take on.
      Things like baby showers and children's birthdays were hard but the Pregnancy announcements on facebook would throw me over the edge. I mean sure I was excited and happy for them but at the same time I was fighting back emotions of when it would be my turn. The hardest announcements for me were the " We weren't even trying and it happened" or " Well I'm pregnant :( ". I have imagined the many ways I would announce my pregnancy to friends and family. I have imagined how I would tell my husband. And to think that someone would be less excited about what was happening in their body, was just a punch in the stomach for me. The one thing that quickly changed my perception is " What is a blessing to me, may not be a blessing to them". I have watched  people get pregnant and struggle every step of the way and once their baby arrives, it's a burden to them. When I finally get pregnant, at least I will be able to say, " You were so desperately wanted" or "I tried for X amount of years for you" or my favorite " I prayed for you and waited for you and went through storms for you and at the end of my journey, you were my rainbow". The one thing I will be able to say to my child is that I loved him/her before he/she was ever conceived. That because of my wait I was able to draw closer to God. That I knew God had BIG plans for my future. And that because of my wait, I will have an amazing testimony to tell! My baby will be my miracle, my reward, my triumph!


      This past year I have finally become OK with everything. Not because I have given up. But because God has given me New Strength to get through this battle. Because God is always Good. Because His promises are True. Because His word, gives me strength to get through the day. Because I never have to go back. I can keep moving forward. Yes I've suffered infertility 5 years but the things I have learned through it I would never trade. Some people can take a negative thing and make it worse. I take a negative thing, and turn it into my positive story.  I turn it into my victory. God has healed me once and He will heal me again. So today I can stand up and say God is working it out in my favor. He will never forsake me.
     I have a few scriptures and quotes and pictures that I find are inspirational so I'm going to leave you with that! Hope everyone has a blessed evening.

                   XOXO

                   Lainey

       Faith does not make things easy, it makes them possible-Luke 1:37


"Sometimes the people around you won't understand your journey. They don't need to, it's not for them."