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Hey Everyone
it has been a while since I posted on my blog. Well my husband was home so I spent time with him. And also we are planning a vacation! A much needed vacation! As you remember in previous post, I had decided it was time to get back to my husband and I. No more peeing on sticks, charting temperatures, tracking days. It was just time to get back to us. Well we are going to Disney World! I have never been!  Im a little nervous about leaving my 5 fur babies at camp for a week but other than that im ok.
     I never knew planning a vacation was so hard! Im exhausted already! So im so relieved that we decided to just stop all the craziness of infertility! I can honestly say that with infertility, you really forget who you are. You can forget about the important things and get so lost in doing whatever you have to do to make it happen. And you get to the point of feeling like a robot. So I called it quits. I needed to get back to me. Back to us. Back to life. Its only been 2 months since I just stopped the roller coaster of infertility but I have to say its the best decision I have made in a while. I have gotten stronger in my faith, discovered who I am, and have spent less time worrying about when I'm ovulating! I have never felt better!

     I have a confession. A lot of women dealing with infertility will relate to my confession. So here it is......Infertility makes me feel less like a woman. I mean,  multiplying is something that women were made to do. So when it doesn't happen, you feel inadequate. You just can't understand why it would happen to you. It's even worse when you have "unexplained infertility". All you want is answers but they can’t give you any. So I look to God. Only He knows the plans He has for me. He would never withhold blessings from me. It has taken me a while to get to this point, but God waited patiently for me to get here. He knew that I needed time to grieve. Time to heal. Time to understand. And time to figure out that all I need is Him. I needed to get back to Him. That's where my comfort is. That's where my hope comes from. Im running back to His promises because that's all I can hold onto. Nothing surprises God. So I can trust that He knows what he is doing. And when my baby boy/baby girl comes, I will have a testimony!  God uses everything to Glorify Him.

      Anyway, I am still fighting a cold due to my immune system being compromised from pneumonia. But I will hopefully be better soon and write a bit more on my next post :(
Night everyone!

                                         XOXO
                                        LAINEY
                                     

I'm OK

 When We first started trying to conceive, I started collecting stuff for my hope chest. A hope chest was a little box I kept under my bed and filled it with things that I "Hoped" to put on my future child. I would put bibs in it, socks (pink and blue), bows and bow ties, etc. Over the years I get ideas for my pregnancy announcement, gender reveal party, baby shower and I would write them down and put them in my hope chest. Invitations I thought were cute I would print up and put in my hope chest.
    After the 3rd year my Hope Chest got pretty full. Sometimes I would open it and see all the little tiny socks and bows and just ball my eyes out. That chest seemed to taunt me. It seemed that all that was in that chest would be just that "HOPE". I was "Hoping" for something that may never happen.
     I remember times when I literally dumped everything in that chest, out into the trash can. A few hours would pass and I would go digging in the garbage to pull everything out and put it back in the chest.
    It has now been 5 years since we started trying to conceive. I went back to that chest and opened it up. But this time was different. This time I didn't cry. This time I didn't hurt. This time I felt different.
This time I realized that I am OK. I am OK. Something that I couldn't say a few years back. I am OK. I may not have a baby yet. I may not be able to use that stuff in my HOPE CHEST. I may not get the answers to my questions right now. But I was OK. What brought the change?
    Well my walk with God changed me. My husband changed me. My self image changed me. Ill explain how below.
  First my walk with God. If you have ever been in a storm of any kind, then You know that your relationship with God gets tested. It either makes or breaks you. My choice was God. I knew that I couldn't do this on my own. I knew that no matter what I was going to love God and trust Him with every part of my being. And once I made that decision, my paths started becoming straight. Once I really focused in on Gods plan for my life, infertility began to take a backseat to my life.
    My husband changed me. Infertility can be just as much stressful on the guy than you. I mean poor guy. He has an emotional wife that just doesn't understand what is going on. Sex becomes more of a job than intimate pleasure. I mean I'm sure it doesn't sound fun when your wife is yelling
" I'm ovulating can we please get this done real quick." And well "I'm not ovulating so we don't have too."   I never realized the toll it takes on my husband. I mean not only is he dealing with his crazy wife but he is also questioning himself.  Things like why can't I give my wife a child pop into his mind. It puts a lot of pressure on him. So once I started letting God work, it became easy for me to see my husbands insecurities. And once I got it, I GOT IT! I needed to go back to the way it was before all of the infertility craziness. Back to the way it was when I didn't have to chart anything. When I didn't calculate my ovulation and timing intercourse just right. We needed to get back to us. Get back to the fun and intimate relationship we had once before. And when we did that, infertility moved from the backseat into a pull behind travel trailer.
   My self image. With infertility sometimes we can let our self go. No, it doesn't just happen to mothers with children. It happens to us too. When I was going through infertility depression, I quit exercising. I got depressed which made me, well, lazy. All I wanted to do was lay around and eat oreos all day. I'm a pretty petite woman. But when you aren't active other things can go wrong. I would get winded walking to the mailbox. I was tired come noon. I didn't want to get dressed up, which is a huge deal for me because lets face it, I am a total diva! Once I started focusing more on myself, I started feeling better about myself. I started taking time to do things for myself. And when that happened I began feeling like myself again. Before infertility.


     It took me a while but I finally realized that I'm OK. I'm Ok with whatever God decides I need in my life. I am ok with going back to the basics in my marriage. I am OK today. I will be OK tomorrow. I will OK next week, a year from now, and 20yrs from now. So with that being said, just remember that you too will be OK. No matter what storm you are in, God promises a rainbow at the other end. Ya'll have a blessed evening!

XOXO

Lainey

Understanding

  There’s no logical reason why immature foolish teenagers get pregnant, but a mature, established couple can’t. There’s no fairness behind why millions of women abort their babies, but you can’t carry one to birth. There’s no justice behind the millions of children languishing in orphanages around the world, as well as children’s homes and child welfare systems in our country, but they can’t be matched with all the parents who want to give a child a loving home.

The hardest thing to come to terms with is that God doesn’t operate by our definition of fairness, nor does He dole out blessings only to those who deserve them. “He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous” (Matt. 5:45).

We conveniently forget that this God from whom we’re demanding our version of fair play is also the God Who chooses not to condemn us to eternal death. This is the same God Who provided redemption through His Son, Jesus Christ. This is the God Who pardons us when we confess our sin and accept His path of forgiveness and restoration.

Dealing with infertility can be devastating to our faith. The intersection between faith and the quest for parenthood is wrought with questions, many of them being “if…then”

"If God really loves me, then why won't He give us a baby. "

If I’m a believer, then why isn’t God answering my prayer?

If we’re committed to raising a child in a godly home, then why can’t we have a  
            child as easily as those Hollywood stars who just live together for years?

If I’m doing my part as a Christian, then why isn’t God doing His part as provider?


These are questions that only God can answer.
I don't understand God’s ways.” No kidding. We don’t understand why God gives babies to unmarried movie stars, to child abusers, and to people who won’t give a child a stable, loving home. Again only God knows the answers.

    Pretty much all of my friends and family have children. I can honestly say that only 2 of my closest friends don't have children and out of those 2 only one of them suffer from infertility. So of course her and I have a lot in common. In the 5 years that my husband and I have been trying to conceive, I have read tons of books. What to expect before you're expecting, what to expect when you're expecting, what to expect after  you deliver,  The first years of baby's life, the pregnancy book, trying to conceive, etc. I can tell you things that most pregnant women wouldn't know. I have everything prepared for my pregnancy.  From my gender reveal party, baby shower, baby names, hospital I want to deliver in, all the classes I want to take, etc. I have had so much practice with my family's children that I am prepared for colic, sickness, teething, etc. After 16 nieces and nephews I have probably been through every scenario possible. But the one thing that most of my friends and family say is "Until you are a mom, you will never understand. "
And they are right. Im not a mom....to a human baby that is. I am sure that my child will put me through all kinds of things I have never experienced. Im sure that there will be nights where I have no idea what to do. But I do know that those will be the times I remember the most because I prayed for those nights. I yearned to hear a baby's cry throughout my house. I can only imagine sleepless nights. Kisses and hugs. My husband coming home to his wife and son/daughter and fur babies. I have waited for that. I have prayed for that. I think that the past 5 years of struggling, crying, yelling at God, asking God to forgive me, reading every book about pregnancy and parenting will make me a better mom. It wasn’t for nothing. I struggled for a reason.  While I am still waiting for my reason or reasons, I am going to keep pushing forward. The good news is. ..I don't have to go back. ..I am another year closer to my miracle!

Well im going to bed. I have a Dr appointment in the afternoon.  Until tomorrow evening,  have a great day!
                                                       Xoxo
                                                     Lainey