I'm OK

 When We first started trying to conceive, I started collecting stuff for my hope chest. A hope chest was a little box I kept under my bed and filled it with things that I "Hoped" to put on my future child. I would put bibs in it, socks (pink and blue), bows and bow ties, etc. Over the years I get ideas for my pregnancy announcement, gender reveal party, baby shower and I would write them down and put them in my hope chest. Invitations I thought were cute I would print up and put in my hope chest.
    After the 3rd year my Hope Chest got pretty full. Sometimes I would open it and see all the little tiny socks and bows and just ball my eyes out. That chest seemed to taunt me. It seemed that all that was in that chest would be just that "HOPE". I was "Hoping" for something that may never happen.
     I remember times when I literally dumped everything in that chest, out into the trash can. A few hours would pass and I would go digging in the garbage to pull everything out and put it back in the chest.
    It has now been 5 years since we started trying to conceive. I went back to that chest and opened it up. But this time was different. This time I didn't cry. This time I didn't hurt. This time I felt different.
This time I realized that I am OK. I am OK. Something that I couldn't say a few years back. I am OK. I may not have a baby yet. I may not be able to use that stuff in my HOPE CHEST. I may not get the answers to my questions right now. But I was OK. What brought the change?
    Well my walk with God changed me. My husband changed me. My self image changed me. Ill explain how below.
  First my walk with God. If you have ever been in a storm of any kind, then You know that your relationship with God gets tested. It either makes or breaks you. My choice was God. I knew that I couldn't do this on my own. I knew that no matter what I was going to love God and trust Him with every part of my being. And once I made that decision, my paths started becoming straight. Once I really focused in on Gods plan for my life, infertility began to take a backseat to my life.
    My husband changed me. Infertility can be just as much stressful on the guy than you. I mean poor guy. He has an emotional wife that just doesn't understand what is going on. Sex becomes more of a job than intimate pleasure. I mean I'm sure it doesn't sound fun when your wife is yelling
" I'm ovulating can we please get this done real quick." And well "I'm not ovulating so we don't have too."   I never realized the toll it takes on my husband. I mean not only is he dealing with his crazy wife but he is also questioning himself.  Things like why can't I give my wife a child pop into his mind. It puts a lot of pressure on him. So once I started letting God work, it became easy for me to see my husbands insecurities. And once I got it, I GOT IT! I needed to go back to the way it was before all of the infertility craziness. Back to the way it was when I didn't have to chart anything. When I didn't calculate my ovulation and timing intercourse just right. We needed to get back to us. Get back to the fun and intimate relationship we had once before. And when we did that, infertility moved from the backseat into a pull behind travel trailer.
   My self image. With infertility sometimes we can let our self go. No, it doesn't just happen to mothers with children. It happens to us too. When I was going through infertility depression, I quit exercising. I got depressed which made me, well, lazy. All I wanted to do was lay around and eat oreos all day. I'm a pretty petite woman. But when you aren't active other things can go wrong. I would get winded walking to the mailbox. I was tired come noon. I didn't want to get dressed up, which is a huge deal for me because lets face it, I am a total diva! Once I started focusing more on myself, I started feeling better about myself. I started taking time to do things for myself. And when that happened I began feeling like myself again. Before infertility.


     It took me a while but I finally realized that I'm OK. I'm Ok with whatever God decides I need in my life. I am ok with going back to the basics in my marriage. I am OK today. I will be OK tomorrow. I will OK next week, a year from now, and 20yrs from now. So with that being said, just remember that you too will be OK. No matter what storm you are in, God promises a rainbow at the other end. Ya'll have a blessed evening!

XOXO

Lainey