I have a 3 bedroom 2 bath house. We purchased it a little more than 3 years ago. It's funny. I still remember the day we first set foot in it. At first I didn't like it. I thought it needed major renovations. But I got to the 1st bedroom. Guest room. It was a descent size. Went on to the master bedroom. Another nice size bedroom. Then came the 3rd bedroom....... Our baby room. I stood there imagining the colors of the room. Where I would put the baby bed. The rocking chair. The changing table. Closet was a great size. I pictured all the baby clothes being hung up on the rod. I pictured us bringing home our newborn. Me,rocking our baby at 2 in the morning. Looking at little feet and hands flying all over the place. I pictured our fur babies laying under the crib protecting their baby. I pictured lots of up all nights, diaper changes, baby giggles. It was our house. This was where our baby would be raised. This is how God intended my family to be. This was the house. We had already been trying to conceive for 3 years before buying this house. So I figured this was the step God needed us to take to get to our baby. So we bought it.
The first year in our house I did renovations. Redid the kitchen, hallway, living room, master bedroom. But I didn't touch the baby room. I figured we would do that when we became pregnant and found out the sex of the baby. But I did collect baby items that I knew I would need. The closet was full of clothes both boy and girl. I had blankets, burp cloths, etc. Some furniture. I held onto that hope for 2 yrs. But in those 2 years, that room turned into the most depressing room in my house. Every time I passed it, I was reminded of what I didn't have. I would go in there and just cry. I would see all the baby clothes and break down. It got to the point where the door was kept closed at all times because I didn't want to see it. I just couldn't handle it. About a few months went by and I found out that one of my friends was pregnant for a little boy. I mustered up all the courage I had and went in the room. I couldn't hold on to all the clothes I had. It was just wasting away. So I loaded all of the baby boy clothing in bags and dropped it off to her. That was a very hard day. I believe I cried all the way home. I did the same for the girl clothes. That room had never looked so empty.
Then last year for Christmas I decided to give my husband a "Man cave". And that room was empty. I felt a bittersweet moment as I began painting that room. I was sad because it was like I was giving up on having a baby but happy because I was putting my husband first and giving him a room just for him.
Infertility is a sadness and emptiness as you walk by the bedroom that should be a nursery. It’s loneliness as your house is quiet and absent from tiny cries from a baby. It’s frustration that leads to desperation as you try every possible way to conceive from meds to vitamins to vacations.
Infertility is desperately longing to be pregnant. Wanting to know what it feels like to have a life growing inside of you. A life that has your eyes and his smile. A life that you created in love. It’s dreaming of the day you are finally able to watch your husband’s face light up when he feels them kick for the first time. Or show off every ultrasound picture to even the sweet cashier at the local grocery store. It’s wishing for the day you have a newborn lay on your chest as you frantically count their tiny fingers and wiggly toes. But it’s also worrying and being scared to death that this dream might never happen.
Infertility is letting your hopes soar for a few days or weeks, anticipating that surely this time, you will become parents. But to only have your hopes plummet as you watch your dreams die with yet another negative pregnancy test. It’s going from shock after seeing only one line. To denial as you find yourself running throughout the house searching and squinting for the other. All the while bargaining with God to make the impossible possible. And it’s while bargaining with Him, you become angry as you realize that He can, yet He hasn’t. And possibly won’t. At least not this time. It’s getting passed the feelings of anger and finding yourself depressed as you cry over the death of your dreams for that month. And it’s only after hours or even days of mourning the loss of what you had hoped, that you start to accept that this month was once again not the one. And so then comes the daunting task of picking yourself back up and starting all over again. Maybe with a little more hope or maybe not. Either way, your exhausted but ready to fight. Ready to chase after your dreams one.more.time.
It is watching your life be put on hold. Or even pushed backwards. It’s letting go of the plans you once had, for new ones that make you cringe. And cause your stomach to be sick. It’s wondering if you have been cursed or deemed unworthy to be called mommy. Or punished for some past sin. Its begging and pleading to God for Him to rescue you. But through your tears and heartache, telling Him you will still love Him even if He doesn’t. It’s convincing yourself every day with a lump in your throat that His plans are best. His timing is perfect. And that it will happen. One day…you hope. It’s not only saying that God is good, but that He is good to me despite my feelings and circumstances. All while trying to understand why prostitutes, drug addicts and those who abuse their children are given such a blessing. It’s biting your tongue when someone tells you “it must not be God’s will” or shaking your fists to the heavens after suffering a miscarriage. It’s frustrating. It’s gut-wrenching… Not to mention the toll it takes on your marriage. You sit and wonder if it's you...him....if your marriage is strong enough to endure one more month. You wonder if your spouse is thinking about leaving. If they just don't want this anymore. Some marriages don't survive infertility. In fact of the couples dealing with infertility about 45% of them end up in divorce.
Infertility doesn't just affect one person. It affects everything around them. Eventually we will have a child either by blood or by choice. God will provide this. But for now....... I have a 3 bedroom 2 bath house.
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