After the 4th year of our infertility journey, Richie and I started talking about the A word- Adoption. We began doing our research. Richie was more on board than I was. I mean for me, it was like I was saying that I would never have a baby of my own. I would never experience a baby kicking and moving inside of me. I would never have morning sickness or have to pee every 10 minutes. For someone who longs for that all of her life, its a tough pill to swallow knowing that it may not happen.
It took me years to even dare to think about adopting. Our culture is so focused on physical family that it felt scandalous even to speak those words out loud. When I began to, the response was usually, “Have you ever thought about adoption?” The answer: Yes, of course we had. We had thought, prayed, wrestled with it. And yet we never felt like God was directing us to adopt a baby. That was also an extremely difficult decision in a generation that is passionate about adoption {and rightly so!}. And maybe God was not putting it on our hearts at this time.
I took a lot of criticism about us adopting. Some positive. Some negative. Some were pushing things on us that we knew we didn't want. Some were very hurtful. But also I had heard about a lot of failed adoptions which really scared me. I was putting a lot on the line. I was taking a chance on something and stepping out of my comfort zone. I had peoples input from every which way possible. So we started the process. We got approved with one agency and when they sent us the fees, we nearly passed out. 40,000. That's a lot of money. We had to seriously step back and figure this out.
I had received a message via Facebook, saying how selfish I was to adopt a baby, when there are tons of children in orphanages and foster homes needing loving parents. And most of them are under 1000 dollars to adopt. In which I responded, Yes in all of my research I did look into that option. However most of the children either were 14 and older or needed more medical attention than I could handle. I am basically a single mom when my husband goes to work. And I didn't see it appropriate for me to adopt a teenager when I'm practically just out of my teenage years. I wasn't trying to say id rather a newborn baby. Matter of fact, We specifically put on our paperwork newborn to 6 yrs of age. We were open. So needless to say that was discouraging for me.
I also had people pushing fostering on me. You emotionally have to be strong to do that. Of which I am not. I can't even imagine taking a child into my home, raising him/her, and then them coming in and taking the child away from me. That would be devastating to me. I commend the parents who do it! Such very strong people to do that. I am not as strong as that.
So after going through the process, it seemed like more things were fighting us and coming against us not to mention we were debating on filing bankruptcy for the adoption (just kidding guys). I mean if it is God's will, NOTHING will come in the way of making it happen. And after questioning everything we were pretty sure we weren't ready to give up just yet on conceiving ourselves. We just weren't there yet.
Another question that was asked was: If you can't afford adoption, how are you going to afford a baby? My answer was: Well I am not expected to come up with 40,000 the day I conceive. I mean having a baby is expensive but coming up with 40,000 for the baby then taking the baby home and paying for the next 18 -21 years. If women living in the projects, with 10 baby daddy's can afford kids, then I can afford one child. Not trying to offend any women.
I think a good portion of the first year a lot of our prayer life was centered around: ‘God, give us a baby.’ Month after month of disappointment, you start to question, ‘What are You doing? What’s Your plan? Are we doing something wrong? Is there something in our life that You want to get out of us before this happens? Going into marriage you’re very idealistic. You don’t dream that you’ll have fertility issues, but that’s a reality. As hard as it is to picture that I might never have a baby that looks like Richie, God is still God and He still loves us. He hasn’t forgotten us because the picture looks different than we thought it would. We hope that will change, but it will still be okay. I can stand at the end of my day and praise God for what He’s done in our lives. I won’t feel like He owes me anything. So when that day comes and God puts adoption on my heart, I will be ready. But for now I'm content in waiting. I love you guys and will be back tomorrow.
XOXO
Lainey
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