10 Things Women With Infertilty Do Not Want To Hear

Ok so this post is not trying to offend anyone, It is just something that most women in my infertility group talk about. And Most people don't even realize that some things they can say are very offensive to women who struggle with infertility. Infertility is a roller coaster ride. We are up, we are down, we may have to put on the brakes etc. One minute we are completely fine and at the sight of a cute little baby we are down and out. I remember getting in lines at Walmart, and if there was a little baby or pregnant women, I was out of that line so fast it would make your head spin. Not because I didn't like their baby or their cute little pregnancy belly. But because I couldn't control my emotions around them. I wanted to cry. I wanted to get angry (at myself). So it was better just to remove myself from the situation. But some of the hardest things I have dealt with, is the things friends, family, and random strangers would say to me not even realizing that their words would echo in my head for weeks. And then they began to take root. Now I am a pretty quiet and sensitive person. I usually would just smile and nod and then go home and cry into my pillow. But other women, if caught at the right moment, will go off on you so quick you have no idea what just happened. And the funny thing is, is that most people are honestly really trying to help and don't realize that it hurts. They really do have the best of intentions. And honestly most people don't know how to carry a conversation with someone with infertility, especially if their whole family has not suffered from it. I mean infertility really is an awkward subject. So this blog is just explaining the things that hurt us the most. Again this is not to offend anyone. So here it goes:


#1. Are you sure you are doing everything right?
** This is a question that is all to familiar. I mean is there really a wrong way to the deed? Most of us took sex ed in high school. So I believe there is really only one way. Which involves a male and female. We are already struggling with our bodies and to be told that we may be having sex wrong just makes us feel inadequate and dumb.


#2. Maybe it's not meant to be.
** There is very often an implication there that if God wants you to get pregnant you will get pregnant. And some people, and yes it takes balls, either imply or outright say..(I have been there.) That if it doesn’t happen naturally it is NOT meant to be. Like ‘just move on with your life’. Some also may imply that things like IUI and IVF are NOT in God’s plans and aren’t ‘natural’. I take personal offense to that. So when you say this statement, even if you do NOT mean it in that way that I just described, re-think saying that, or it will very possibly get taken that way.


#3. Don't you want children?
** Sometimes people just want to know what you’re up to. They’re just trying to work out why such a lovely couple would not want to be parents. It’s a social expectation that people have and want children and the grand assumption is that if you wanted children you’d have them by now. It’s also a reflection of the instant society we live in. If you want something, go and get it. People assume having children is just as easy as that.


#4. You want kids? Take mine.
**I know people mean well by this. But, to those of you who say such things, let me tell you that babysitting for your kids is not the same thing as being a parent. It just isn't. And it is actually very hurtful because it's almost as if you are saying that being a parent is such a horrible thing!


#5.What do you want a baby for anyway?
** I mean most people want a baby to love, and kiss on, and etc but not me. Nope I just want a baby just for the title. This is being said in a sarcastic voice. But really, I have dreamed of the day when I hear my child cry. That only us, the parents, can take care of. I want to hear a little voice call me mommy. I want to hear those stupid little squeaky shoes running down my hallway. I dream of getting up at 2am feedings. Rocking my baby to sleep every night. Having a splash war in the tub. Having peas spit into my face. Having to open a candy in the store to bribe my child to be quiet. Every birthday party, hospital stay, smile, thanks mommy. I dream of these things.


#6. Don't worry. Just relax. It will happen.
**
If couples having fertility problems had a dollar for each time they’d heard this suggestion, they could afford to buy their own fertility clinic. So why do we hear this comment almost universally?
People are just responding to a popular myth that relaxing in some way helps your fertility. The myth is that somehow there is a connection between sperm, eggs and relaxation. The reality is that if you needed relaxation to conceive, there would be no conception during war, hardships or other unpleasant situations, for example, sexual abuse. But it does happen in these cases. Just think of it, it’s not just the relaxed people in the world who become parents and the cranky tense ones who don’t. People who provide this comment are just trying to help and are reflecting a social myth. And unfortunately, many people have anecdotes of how people relaxed and all of a sudden became pregnant. You’ll hear them. Each and every one of them. The little brother of this comment is “Why don’t you just take a holiday and relax? A friend of mine went away and got pregnant straight away.” While this may be true, sometimes the only reason that people conceived while they were away is that in an exotic location, they had more sex than if they were stuck at home.


#7. Why don't you just adopt?
**Even if a woman has thoughts about adoption as a last resort on the back-burner in her mind, the last thing she needs to hear it is from someone else’s mouths. While there are couples who have kids and simply wish to adopt, and it is an amazing and beautiful thing. There are also millions of hurting women out there, and I used to be one of them, just DYING to have a baby that is genetically hers and her husbands.If she has egg problems or her husband has sperm issues it may alter that dream a little bit. But it still will be a child that is part of her and her husband. And regardless of maternity and paternity, if you ask the majority of women who are infertile, experiencing a pregnancy for themselves is HUGE! They want to be able to experience life growing inside of them, and the miracle of birth for themselves. If that is not in the cards down the line, that becomes up to them and their partner.  It’s a very insensitive thing to suggest as infertile women already know all of their options, and that is usually the very last one for them. Not to mention that sure we always have 30-40 extra thousand dollars laying around. And then its a waiting game. And sometimes you get your heart broken and end up right back at the fertility clinic.


#8. It's Gods will....
**Somebody get the gong out. You say this, and you just messed up royally!  If God chose everybody who should or shouldn’t have babies then there would be no teen pregnancies, no pregnancies where children are born into abusive homes or are neglected, or not even wanted which happens a lot. God may give us tests in life to develop strength inside of our inner selves. And I do believe that for every struggle we face and conquer we do become stronger and better for it. Infertility does not mean God doesn’t want any specific woman to NOT have a child. To NOT become a mother. Don’t bring God into the situation. Chances are most infertile women have already went through their angry phase with God and are finally in a good place. 


#9. Why don't you just GIVE UP?
** I hear this a lot from my friends. Giving up is easier said than done. Especially when it is everything you have ever wanted. Imagine if Jesus was walking to the cross and he just gave up. None of us would be here right now. Imagine if Abraham and Sarah would have just given up when God told them she would conceive a child in her 90's! Isaac would have never been born. Imagine if Hannah would have given up and accepted her infertility. She would have never gotten Samuel. So NO I will not give up until God tells me too. And so far I'm still kicking!




#10. You are lucky in a way. I wish I were less fertile. 
**This is a huge one that I have been personally attacked with. Brag, brag, brag about how fertile they are, like it is a curse. And look to us like we are lucky because we don’t maybe have to pop a pill or wear a condom because we don’t get pregnant every 9 months. News flash..we would MUCH rather take a pill or use the rhythm method and worry about pregnancy, because it is a blessing to be fertile. It can create jealousy and even anger in the millions of couples who have fertility woes and only wish to be like you. Don’t ever complain about your booming fertility. It is only going to hurt your friend, family member, acquaintance, whomever you are speaking to. It won’t ever help them, and it is highly insensitive.

So tonight I will end with this. I know sometimes we say things not thinking. I mean I have inserted my foot in my mouth a few times, and it wasn't personal.  I have learned in those mistakes to ask God to direct my words before I speak. I have actually asked a woman when she was due, when she wasn't in fact pregnant. So now I learned to tread lightly. I'm pretty much one that brushes it off because I know my family and know that they wouldn't intentionally hurt me. Tomorrow I will post something for you all that's more or less positive! Hope you all have a blessed evening.