POAS- Pee On A Stick Syndrome. Yes this is real! If you have ever tried to conceive longer than a year, you will totally get this. To explain....Women with infertility will feel the need to POAS at any time they have to use the restroom. When actively trying to conceive, Ovulation test and thermometers become your best friends. I can't count how many times I would be shopping in Hobby Lobby and feel the urge to go. When I got to the restroom, I whipped out an Ovulation Strip (OPK) so fast. I was ready at any given point.
Women with infertility understand that at any given point, We can ovulate. And within a few hours it's gone! Our whole life revolves around timing everything just right. And even still, chances are slim. Example: Lets start at AF (Aunt Flo). AF comes along. Once AF is gone, that's when the POAS begins. We POAS sometimes 10 times a day! Then you tape each stick to a paper with the date and time that you did it. Some days you won't see any change. You stare at those sticks for so long, that you start getting "line- eye". Then you have to take a picture of it to send to your TTC (trying to conceive) friends so they can verify that indeed you do have "line-eye". So back to POAS you go. Finally when you get your positive OPK test, you BD (baby dance, horizontal mambo, do the deed, whatever it is you want to call it). From there you wait...and wait....and wait.....wait to Pee on yet ANOTHER stick called a pregnancy test. But in those days that you wait....well its pure agony. You test to early, you 1.) Waste a test and 2.) you get a BFN (big fat negative). So we wait....and wait....and wait. After all that waiting, your body starts to develop pregnancy symptoms. However these symptoms are the same exact symptoms as PMS! So of course we women start calculating every symptom we have, and start counting the days down to test. And once we finally do test, we can't just pee on one.....no. We pee on 5 or more, in fear that the other 4 could have been a false negative. Praying for that little pink line to have a little twin pink line next to it! But as soon as you're fixing to take your last one, AF shows up. So then you text all of your TTC friends, "Well CD 1....I'm out!" CD meaning Cycle Day 1. Which means we wait for AF to pass and start POAS yet again!
It's a vicious cycle. A Cycle we are all to familiar with.
I use to store my OPK test and PG test on the side of my toilet. Well I can't tell you how many of my friends would come use the bathroom and feel the need to POAS. It's just so tempting. So tempting that in fact I actually had to throw mine away because I was literally driving myself to depression. It seemed as if I was always getting my positive OPKs when Richie was offshore. And even when I got my positives my temps never matched up. I was never actually sure if I was indeed ovulating or not. I was going crazy trying to figure it all out. And when Richie was in, I was so focused on "I'm ovulating, lets hurry up" that nothing was fun anymore. I wasn't enjoying my husband anymore. Not just sexually but emotionally. I think I realized I had a major problem the day that I was freaking out because I thought I had more OPK test when indeed I didn't. I must have tore my bathroom apart looking for at least one. I nearly peed on myself because I was holding it in case I found a test. That's when I realized that I needed to take a step back and take a break. The first week was hard. My RE even wanted to put me on anxiety meds to help. But I knew I could do it. To be honest, after that week, I am so much happier. I enjoy spending time with my husband. I can actually sit down and watch a whole movie without thinking, " I may be ovulating, and this movie is wasting my time".
With all the craziness, I realized that I was actually worshipping an idol. I put POAS in front of trusting GOD. Used to be, I would get up fix my coffee, let my fur babies out, and sit down with my bible and spend time with HIM. But I noticed that I was waking up, charting my temperature, letting the girls out, POAS, waiting to see if it was positive, feeling discouraged that it was negative, and going about my day. I wasn't putting God first anymore. I wasn't trusting HIM anymore. I wasn't giving GOD the first part of my day. I knew things had to change. I wanted to be happy again. I wanted to enjoy my days.
It took a while but I can honestly say that I am finally back to where I want to be. I have made a decision that if I POAS, I will rejoice and thank GOD for HIS timing. And I am finally at a point where I am OK with whatever GODS plans for me are. I am OK if HE never gives us a child. I am going to love HIM anyway. Sometimes I tell GOD "It's not fair" But then I think, It wasn't fair that HE had to die on the cross for my sins. It wasn't fair that HE was beaten for my transgressions. It's not fair that I fail HIM everyday and yet HE LOVES ME ANYWAY! I know that I can go to HIM with all of my tears and pain, and HE will never judge me. HE never looks at me with anything but love.
I'm officially happy with where I am on my journey. HE knows what I was built to handle. He only gives us what HE knows we can handle. So Tonight I'm concluding that POAS Syndrome is real. And its a vicious cycle for those struggling with infertility. Praying for all those suffering tonight. Baby Dust to you all! And blessings to my friends and family reading this!
XOXO
Lainey
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