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Hey Everyone
it has been a while since I posted on my blog. Well my husband was home so I spent time with him. And also we are planning a vacation! A much needed vacation! As you remember in previous post, I had decided it was time to get back to my husband and I. No more peeing on sticks, charting temperatures, tracking days. It was just time to get back to us. Well we are going to Disney World! I have never been!  Im a little nervous about leaving my 5 fur babies at camp for a week but other than that im ok.
     I never knew planning a vacation was so hard! Im exhausted already! So im so relieved that we decided to just stop all the craziness of infertility! I can honestly say that with infertility, you really forget who you are. You can forget about the important things and get so lost in doing whatever you have to do to make it happen. And you get to the point of feeling like a robot. So I called it quits. I needed to get back to me. Back to us. Back to life. Its only been 2 months since I just stopped the roller coaster of infertility but I have to say its the best decision I have made in a while. I have gotten stronger in my faith, discovered who I am, and have spent less time worrying about when I'm ovulating! I have never felt better!

     I have a confession. A lot of women dealing with infertility will relate to my confession. So here it is......Infertility makes me feel less like a woman. I mean,  multiplying is something that women were made to do. So when it doesn't happen, you feel inadequate. You just can't understand why it would happen to you. It's even worse when you have "unexplained infertility". All you want is answers but they can’t give you any. So I look to God. Only He knows the plans He has for me. He would never withhold blessings from me. It has taken me a while to get to this point, but God waited patiently for me to get here. He knew that I needed time to grieve. Time to heal. Time to understand. And time to figure out that all I need is Him. I needed to get back to Him. That's where my comfort is. That's where my hope comes from. Im running back to His promises because that's all I can hold onto. Nothing surprises God. So I can trust that He knows what he is doing. And when my baby boy/baby girl comes, I will have a testimony!  God uses everything to Glorify Him.

      Anyway, I am still fighting a cold due to my immune system being compromised from pneumonia. But I will hopefully be better soon and write a bit more on my next post :(
Night everyone!

                                         XOXO
                                        LAINEY
                                     

I'm OK

 When We first started trying to conceive, I started collecting stuff for my hope chest. A hope chest was a little box I kept under my bed and filled it with things that I "Hoped" to put on my future child. I would put bibs in it, socks (pink and blue), bows and bow ties, etc. Over the years I get ideas for my pregnancy announcement, gender reveal party, baby shower and I would write them down and put them in my hope chest. Invitations I thought were cute I would print up and put in my hope chest.
    After the 3rd year my Hope Chest got pretty full. Sometimes I would open it and see all the little tiny socks and bows and just ball my eyes out. That chest seemed to taunt me. It seemed that all that was in that chest would be just that "HOPE". I was "Hoping" for something that may never happen.
     I remember times when I literally dumped everything in that chest, out into the trash can. A few hours would pass and I would go digging in the garbage to pull everything out and put it back in the chest.
    It has now been 5 years since we started trying to conceive. I went back to that chest and opened it up. But this time was different. This time I didn't cry. This time I didn't hurt. This time I felt different.
This time I realized that I am OK. I am OK. Something that I couldn't say a few years back. I am OK. I may not have a baby yet. I may not be able to use that stuff in my HOPE CHEST. I may not get the answers to my questions right now. But I was OK. What brought the change?
    Well my walk with God changed me. My husband changed me. My self image changed me. Ill explain how below.
  First my walk with God. If you have ever been in a storm of any kind, then You know that your relationship with God gets tested. It either makes or breaks you. My choice was God. I knew that I couldn't do this on my own. I knew that no matter what I was going to love God and trust Him with every part of my being. And once I made that decision, my paths started becoming straight. Once I really focused in on Gods plan for my life, infertility began to take a backseat to my life.
    My husband changed me. Infertility can be just as much stressful on the guy than you. I mean poor guy. He has an emotional wife that just doesn't understand what is going on. Sex becomes more of a job than intimate pleasure. I mean I'm sure it doesn't sound fun when your wife is yelling
" I'm ovulating can we please get this done real quick." And well "I'm not ovulating so we don't have too."   I never realized the toll it takes on my husband. I mean not only is he dealing with his crazy wife but he is also questioning himself.  Things like why can't I give my wife a child pop into his mind. It puts a lot of pressure on him. So once I started letting God work, it became easy for me to see my husbands insecurities. And once I got it, I GOT IT! I needed to go back to the way it was before all of the infertility craziness. Back to the way it was when I didn't have to chart anything. When I didn't calculate my ovulation and timing intercourse just right. We needed to get back to us. Get back to the fun and intimate relationship we had once before. And when we did that, infertility moved from the backseat into a pull behind travel trailer.
   My self image. With infertility sometimes we can let our self go. No, it doesn't just happen to mothers with children. It happens to us too. When I was going through infertility depression, I quit exercising. I got depressed which made me, well, lazy. All I wanted to do was lay around and eat oreos all day. I'm a pretty petite woman. But when you aren't active other things can go wrong. I would get winded walking to the mailbox. I was tired come noon. I didn't want to get dressed up, which is a huge deal for me because lets face it, I am a total diva! Once I started focusing more on myself, I started feeling better about myself. I started taking time to do things for myself. And when that happened I began feeling like myself again. Before infertility.


     It took me a while but I finally realized that I'm OK. I'm Ok with whatever God decides I need in my life. I am ok with going back to the basics in my marriage. I am OK today. I will be OK tomorrow. I will OK next week, a year from now, and 20yrs from now. So with that being said, just remember that you too will be OK. No matter what storm you are in, God promises a rainbow at the other end. Ya'll have a blessed evening!

XOXO

Lainey

Understanding

  There’s no logical reason why immature foolish teenagers get pregnant, but a mature, established couple can’t. There’s no fairness behind why millions of women abort their babies, but you can’t carry one to birth. There’s no justice behind the millions of children languishing in orphanages around the world, as well as children’s homes and child welfare systems in our country, but they can’t be matched with all the parents who want to give a child a loving home.

The hardest thing to come to terms with is that God doesn’t operate by our definition of fairness, nor does He dole out blessings only to those who deserve them. “He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous” (Matt. 5:45).

We conveniently forget that this God from whom we’re demanding our version of fair play is also the God Who chooses not to condemn us to eternal death. This is the same God Who provided redemption through His Son, Jesus Christ. This is the God Who pardons us when we confess our sin and accept His path of forgiveness and restoration.

Dealing with infertility can be devastating to our faith. The intersection between faith and the quest for parenthood is wrought with questions, many of them being “if…then”

"If God really loves me, then why won't He give us a baby. "

If I’m a believer, then why isn’t God answering my prayer?

If we’re committed to raising a child in a godly home, then why can’t we have a  
            child as easily as those Hollywood stars who just live together for years?

If I’m doing my part as a Christian, then why isn’t God doing His part as provider?


These are questions that only God can answer.
I don't understand God’s ways.” No kidding. We don’t understand why God gives babies to unmarried movie stars, to child abusers, and to people who won’t give a child a stable, loving home. Again only God knows the answers.

    Pretty much all of my friends and family have children. I can honestly say that only 2 of my closest friends don't have children and out of those 2 only one of them suffer from infertility. So of course her and I have a lot in common. In the 5 years that my husband and I have been trying to conceive, I have read tons of books. What to expect before you're expecting, what to expect when you're expecting, what to expect after  you deliver,  The first years of baby's life, the pregnancy book, trying to conceive, etc. I can tell you things that most pregnant women wouldn't know. I have everything prepared for my pregnancy.  From my gender reveal party, baby shower, baby names, hospital I want to deliver in, all the classes I want to take, etc. I have had so much practice with my family's children that I am prepared for colic, sickness, teething, etc. After 16 nieces and nephews I have probably been through every scenario possible. But the one thing that most of my friends and family say is "Until you are a mom, you will never understand. "
And they are right. Im not a mom....to a human baby that is. I am sure that my child will put me through all kinds of things I have never experienced. Im sure that there will be nights where I have no idea what to do. But I do know that those will be the times I remember the most because I prayed for those nights. I yearned to hear a baby's cry throughout my house. I can only imagine sleepless nights. Kisses and hugs. My husband coming home to his wife and son/daughter and fur babies. I have waited for that. I have prayed for that. I think that the past 5 years of struggling, crying, yelling at God, asking God to forgive me, reading every book about pregnancy and parenting will make me a better mom. It wasn’t for nothing. I struggled for a reason.  While I am still waiting for my reason or reasons, I am going to keep pushing forward. The good news is. ..I don't have to go back. ..I am another year closer to my miracle!

Well im going to bed. I have a Dr appointment in the afternoon.  Until tomorrow evening,  have a great day!
                                                       Xoxo
                                                     Lainey
                                                     

 

The A Word

Well sorry I have been MIA for a few days. I am dealing with pneumonia and trying to get back on my feet. But I am feeling a little better so I thought I could take this time to write on my post that I have thinking about. So here it is :)


After the 4th year of our infertility journey, Richie and I started talking about the A word- Adoption. We began doing our research. Richie was more on board than I was. I mean for me, it was like I was saying that I would never have a baby of my own. I would never experience a baby kicking and moving inside of me. I would never have morning sickness or have to pee every 10 minutes. For someone who longs for that all of her life, its a tough pill to swallow knowing that it may not happen.


   It took me years to even dare to think about adopting. Our culture is so focused on physical family that it felt scandalous even to speak those words out loud. When I began to, the response was usually, “Have you ever thought about adoption?” The answer: Yes, of course we had. We had thought, prayed, wrestled with it. And yet we never felt like God was directing us to adopt a baby. That was also an extremely difficult decision in a generation that is passionate about adoption {and rightly so!}. And maybe God was not putting it on our hearts at this time.
    
I took a lot of criticism about us adopting. Some positive. Some negative. Some were pushing things on us that we knew we didn't want. Some were very hurtful. But also I had heard about a lot of failed adoptions which really scared me. I was putting a lot on the line. I was taking a chance on something and stepping out of my comfort zone.  I had peoples input from every which way possible. So we started the process. We got approved with one agency and when they sent us the fees, we nearly passed out. 40,000. That's a lot of money. We had to seriously step back and figure this out.


     I had received a message via Facebook, saying how selfish I was to adopt a baby, when there are tons of children in orphanages and foster homes needing loving parents. And most of them are under 1000 dollars to adopt. In which I responded, Yes in all of my research I did look into that option. However most of the children either were 14 and older or needed more medical attention than I could handle. I am basically a single mom when my husband goes to work. And I didn't see it appropriate for me to adopt a teenager when I'm practically just out of my teenage years. I wasn't trying to say id rather a newborn baby. Matter of fact, We specifically put on our paperwork newborn to 6 yrs of age. We were open. So needless to say that was discouraging for me.
     I also had people pushing fostering on me. You emotionally have to be strong to do that. Of which I am not. I can't even imagine taking a child into my home, raising him/her, and then them coming in and taking the child away from me. That would be devastating to me. I commend the parents who do it! Such very strong people to do that. I am not as strong as that.


      So after going through the process, it seemed like more things were fighting us and coming against us not to mention we were debating on filing bankruptcy for the adoption (just kidding guys). I mean if it is God's will, NOTHING will come in the way of making it happen. And after questioning everything we were pretty sure we weren't ready to give up just yet on conceiving ourselves. We just weren't there yet.


   Another question that was asked was: If you can't afford adoption, how are you going to afford a baby? My answer was: Well I am not expected to come up with 40,000 the day I conceive. I mean having a baby is expensive but coming up with 40,000 for the baby then taking the baby home and paying for the next 18 -21 years. If women living in the projects, with 10 baby daddy's can afford kids, then I can afford one child. Not trying to offend any women.


     I think a good portion of the first year a lot of our prayer life was centered around: ‘God, give us a baby.’ Month after month of disappointment, you start to question, ‘What are You doing? What’s Your plan? Are we doing something wrong? Is there something in our life that You want to get out of us before this happens? Going into marriage you’re very idealistic. You don’t dream that you’ll have fertility issues, but that’s a reality. As hard as it is to picture that I might never have a baby that looks like Richie, God is still God and He still loves us. He hasn’t forgotten us because the picture looks different than we thought it would. We hope that will change, but it will still be okay. I can stand at the end of my day and praise God for what He’s done in our lives. I won’t feel like He owes me anything. So when that day comes and God puts adoption on my heart, I will be ready. But for now I'm content in waiting. I love you guys and will be back tomorrow.

XOXO

Lainey

    

Just For Men

So we have talked about female infertility and things that bother us women. However, Male Infertility isn't something you hear much about. So tonight, my post will be for the men! Ladies don't check out now, You need your man to make a baby so let's give them a little information also!


Most people would be surprised to know that Male Infertility is almost as likely as Female Infertility to be involved in a couple's inability to achieve pregnancy. The good news is that "MOST" cases can be resolved by either treating the problem or using fertility treatments.

How common is Male Infertility you ask?  Well here's some numbers:
30% of couples discover fertility issues in both the male and female.
30% of couples discover fertility issues in only the man.
30% of couples discover fertility issues in only the woman.
10% of couples will not find a reason for their infertility aka Unexplained Infertility.

Of men diagnosed with male infertility, 10%-15% will have Azoospermia (a complete lack of sperm). Azoospermia is only present in about 1% of the general population.


Male Infertility is first diagnosed by a SA (Semen Analysis). It's a simple test that involves the man providing a semen sample for a lab to evaluate. They will measure the amount of semen, number of sperm, and sperm shape and movement. Ideally, they will usually ask to perform the test twice to confirm results. "MOST" of the time, a basic SA is all that's needed to diagnose male infertility.
Sometimes further testing is required such as a physical exam by a urologist, specialized SA (genetic testing of sperm, and immobile sperm), Bloodwork, etc.
     
Treatments can be simple or more advanced. Simple treatments include antibiotics and fertility. Sometimes surgical corrections are needed.


Substances like cigarettes, marijuana, alcohol, and steroids (like testosterone) may impact sperm count and function.


 So now that I gave you the statistics, we can all know that infertility is a shared experience. It's not something that is one and not the other. My husband and I are in this together. We won't talk about who has the problem because to us, we have a problem. For men, its hard to talk about male infertility because lets face it. To them it's their manhood. For women, we just feel like our bodies don't do the one thing it's suppose to do. But studies show, that both men and women feel inadequate when it comes to infertility. So be supportive of couples going through infertility. When they are comfortable enough, they will open up to you and share everything. But don't push them because it never turns out well. Tomorrow I will post some personal stuff that I have over came and was healed from before infertility. So with that being said, I love you all, goodnight and have a blessed evening!

XOXO

Lainey

   






    

The Positives of Infertility

I promised you guys I would post something positive today! Well these are the some what positives of infertility. So lets just jump into it!


#1. We KNOW our anatomy a lot better than most women.
* I mean seriously. We have had so many test done, blood work, exams, etc. When you are diagnosed with infertility you start doing research on your anatomy to see what you can do about it! Our future children will pass sex ed with flying colors!


#2. We get really good with time!
  * We can literally calculate our whole day around ovulation and testing. Some of us can even plan our BD months in advance!


#3. We realize just how strong we really are.
 * Man does it take strength to get through infertility! Not just emotional but physical and mental. Most women dealing with infertility will undergo so many testing, poking, probing, and yes even surgeries. The physical strength is something we have to have to heal our bodies from all of that. Mentally, we are dealing with our doctors, spouses, families, in laws, friends, strangers, etc. Questions are always being asked, we are always being critiqued, there is always another pregnancy announcement on Facebook, another baby shower invite in the mailbox, etc. We have to be mentally strong to deal with everything.


#4. Our faith in God gets stronger.
* I mean sure, We have all gotten angry with God because we just didn't understand. We have questioned a lot of things. But some of us, have found comfort in God and his timing. I know that without my walk with God I wouldn't be where I am today. I am always looking for ways to grow closer to God while I'm waiting for my little miracle.


#5. We see life in a different way.
* You know how people who have fought and won cancer, or someone that survived an accident see life different? Well we do too. Life is a complete miracle for us. Everyday we strive to make that little miracle. We eat, breathe, sleep, live for that little miracle of life. We realize how precious life really is. Especially when it's taken so long for it to come along.


#6. Our marriage CAN get stronger.
* It is really easy to get along and have fun with your spouse  when everything in life is going great. But you really find out what your marriage is made of when you're forced to face life struggles together. You start to realize that if you can make it through this challenge, you can make it through anything!


#7.When you get to sleep at night, you still get to sleep through the night.
* Unless you are like me who has a husband who sleeps 10 kinds of crazy! Plus I share a bed with 5 furbabies so yea!


#8. So last night I posted a negative thing about this but there can possibly be a positive too! When your friends all offer to let you have their "bratty" kids (their words). GREAT! So don't be surprised and call the police when we take them. We had a verbal agreement :)


#9.Infertile Women truly don't know the meaning of sisterhood until she has bonded with other childless infertile women.
*Motherhood seems to be like a membership to such an exclusive club, and infertile friends hang out like the bullied nerds in school. Going to parties or family functions is not always fun to us. Simply because we can't compete with the conversations of" our children" "poopoo in the potty" or starting school or playing in sports, etc. We often do feel like the 3rd wheel. But we get other women with infertility the way you get other moms.


Well there you have it. These are some of the positives of infertility.  I would write a little longer but  I need to take a shower, eat, and get ready for bed. So until tomorrow, I love you guys!
                       

 XOXO

Lainey

10 Things Women With Infertilty Do Not Want To Hear

Ok so this post is not trying to offend anyone, It is just something that most women in my infertility group talk about. And Most people don't even realize that some things they can say are very offensive to women who struggle with infertility. Infertility is a roller coaster ride. We are up, we are down, we may have to put on the brakes etc. One minute we are completely fine and at the sight of a cute little baby we are down and out. I remember getting in lines at Walmart, and if there was a little baby or pregnant women, I was out of that line so fast it would make your head spin. Not because I didn't like their baby or their cute little pregnancy belly. But because I couldn't control my emotions around them. I wanted to cry. I wanted to get angry (at myself). So it was better just to remove myself from the situation. But some of the hardest things I have dealt with, is the things friends, family, and random strangers would say to me not even realizing that their words would echo in my head for weeks. And then they began to take root. Now I am a pretty quiet and sensitive person. I usually would just smile and nod and then go home and cry into my pillow. But other women, if caught at the right moment, will go off on you so quick you have no idea what just happened. And the funny thing is, is that most people are honestly really trying to help and don't realize that it hurts. They really do have the best of intentions. And honestly most people don't know how to carry a conversation with someone with infertility, especially if their whole family has not suffered from it. I mean infertility really is an awkward subject. So this blog is just explaining the things that hurt us the most. Again this is not to offend anyone. So here it goes:


#1. Are you sure you are doing everything right?
** This is a question that is all to familiar. I mean is there really a wrong way to the deed? Most of us took sex ed in high school. So I believe there is really only one way. Which involves a male and female. We are already struggling with our bodies and to be told that we may be having sex wrong just makes us feel inadequate and dumb.


#2. Maybe it's not meant to be.
** There is very often an implication there that if God wants you to get pregnant you will get pregnant. And some people, and yes it takes balls, either imply or outright say..(I have been there.) That if it doesn’t happen naturally it is NOT meant to be. Like ‘just move on with your life’. Some also may imply that things like IUI and IVF are NOT in God’s plans and aren’t ‘natural’. I take personal offense to that. So when you say this statement, even if you do NOT mean it in that way that I just described, re-think saying that, or it will very possibly get taken that way.


#3. Don't you want children?
** Sometimes people just want to know what you’re up to. They’re just trying to work out why such a lovely couple would not want to be parents. It’s a social expectation that people have and want children and the grand assumption is that if you wanted children you’d have them by now. It’s also a reflection of the instant society we live in. If you want something, go and get it. People assume having children is just as easy as that.


#4. You want kids? Take mine.
**I know people mean well by this. But, to those of you who say such things, let me tell you that babysitting for your kids is not the same thing as being a parent. It just isn't. And it is actually very hurtful because it's almost as if you are saying that being a parent is such a horrible thing!


#5.What do you want a baby for anyway?
** I mean most people want a baby to love, and kiss on, and etc but not me. Nope I just want a baby just for the title. This is being said in a sarcastic voice. But really, I have dreamed of the day when I hear my child cry. That only us, the parents, can take care of. I want to hear a little voice call me mommy. I want to hear those stupid little squeaky shoes running down my hallway. I dream of getting up at 2am feedings. Rocking my baby to sleep every night. Having a splash war in the tub. Having peas spit into my face. Having to open a candy in the store to bribe my child to be quiet. Every birthday party, hospital stay, smile, thanks mommy. I dream of these things.


#6. Don't worry. Just relax. It will happen.
**
If couples having fertility problems had a dollar for each time they’d heard this suggestion, they could afford to buy their own fertility clinic. So why do we hear this comment almost universally?
People are just responding to a popular myth that relaxing in some way helps your fertility. The myth is that somehow there is a connection between sperm, eggs and relaxation. The reality is that if you needed relaxation to conceive, there would be no conception during war, hardships or other unpleasant situations, for example, sexual abuse. But it does happen in these cases. Just think of it, it’s not just the relaxed people in the world who become parents and the cranky tense ones who don’t. People who provide this comment are just trying to help and are reflecting a social myth. And unfortunately, many people have anecdotes of how people relaxed and all of a sudden became pregnant. You’ll hear them. Each and every one of them. The little brother of this comment is “Why don’t you just take a holiday and relax? A friend of mine went away and got pregnant straight away.” While this may be true, sometimes the only reason that people conceived while they were away is that in an exotic location, they had more sex than if they were stuck at home.


#7. Why don't you just adopt?
**Even if a woman has thoughts about adoption as a last resort on the back-burner in her mind, the last thing she needs to hear it is from someone else’s mouths. While there are couples who have kids and simply wish to adopt, and it is an amazing and beautiful thing. There are also millions of hurting women out there, and I used to be one of them, just DYING to have a baby that is genetically hers and her husbands.If she has egg problems or her husband has sperm issues it may alter that dream a little bit. But it still will be a child that is part of her and her husband. And regardless of maternity and paternity, if you ask the majority of women who are infertile, experiencing a pregnancy for themselves is HUGE! They want to be able to experience life growing inside of them, and the miracle of birth for themselves. If that is not in the cards down the line, that becomes up to them and their partner.  It’s a very insensitive thing to suggest as infertile women already know all of their options, and that is usually the very last one for them. Not to mention that sure we always have 30-40 extra thousand dollars laying around. And then its a waiting game. And sometimes you get your heart broken and end up right back at the fertility clinic.


#8. It's Gods will....
**Somebody get the gong out. You say this, and you just messed up royally!  If God chose everybody who should or shouldn’t have babies then there would be no teen pregnancies, no pregnancies where children are born into abusive homes or are neglected, or not even wanted which happens a lot. God may give us tests in life to develop strength inside of our inner selves. And I do believe that for every struggle we face and conquer we do become stronger and better for it. Infertility does not mean God doesn’t want any specific woman to NOT have a child. To NOT become a mother. Don’t bring God into the situation. Chances are most infertile women have already went through their angry phase with God and are finally in a good place. 


#9. Why don't you just GIVE UP?
** I hear this a lot from my friends. Giving up is easier said than done. Especially when it is everything you have ever wanted. Imagine if Jesus was walking to the cross and he just gave up. None of us would be here right now. Imagine if Abraham and Sarah would have just given up when God told them she would conceive a child in her 90's! Isaac would have never been born. Imagine if Hannah would have given up and accepted her infertility. She would have never gotten Samuel. So NO I will not give up until God tells me too. And so far I'm still kicking!




#10. You are lucky in a way. I wish I were less fertile. 
**This is a huge one that I have been personally attacked with. Brag, brag, brag about how fertile they are, like it is a curse. And look to us like we are lucky because we don’t maybe have to pop a pill or wear a condom because we don’t get pregnant every 9 months. News flash..we would MUCH rather take a pill or use the rhythm method and worry about pregnancy, because it is a blessing to be fertile. It can create jealousy and even anger in the millions of couples who have fertility woes and only wish to be like you. Don’t ever complain about your booming fertility. It is only going to hurt your friend, family member, acquaintance, whomever you are speaking to. It won’t ever help them, and it is highly insensitive.

So tonight I will end with this. I know sometimes we say things not thinking. I mean I have inserted my foot in my mouth a few times, and it wasn't personal.  I have learned in those mistakes to ask God to direct my words before I speak. I have actually asked a woman when she was due, when she wasn't in fact pregnant. So now I learned to tread lightly. I'm pretty much one that brushes it off because I know my family and know that they wouldn't intentionally hurt me. Tomorrow I will post something for you all that's more or less positive! Hope you all have a blessed evening.